the sun will shine tomorrow.
bell let's talk. a campaign
bringing awareness and a learning opportunity on ways to help individuals
suffering/dealing/handling/talking/striving/thriving with mental health, is
today. mental health is something i think we as individuals do need to talk
about more often, not just on "special days" but that being said,
these special days is where it starts. it gives individuals an opportunity to
see that even though this world can be a deep, dark, scary place, there are so
many kind, generous, thoughtful people here on this world who want to support
others who may be experiencing harder to handle mental health. every single
human has mental health. it's knowing the difference between every day mental
health and the things that make it harder to function sometimes.
this morning i woke up feeling
as if i had an emotional hangover. when i woke and realized it was bell let's
talk, a day where everyone is discussing mental health, i thought what a
perfect excuse to write this post. there are a couple of things i want to cover
today...
i was feeling sad last
night over a situation i have faced a couple times in my life and have never
figured out how to cope with it properly. it was one of those emotions i cannot
put words to. which as someone who has a love of words and writing, it feels
extremely frustrating when you cannot find the words to match what you are
feeling and experiencing. last night however, i reached out to a couple
different friends and simply said something along the lines "my heart is
hurting tonight" they all responded and all gave me different, but
wonderful advice and words of encouragement. i had made an instagram post and even had a couple people reach out on their own because they saw my post. how lucky i feel to have these
type of people in my life. i constantly relate to those quotes where it says to
check in with your strong friend. i self identify as a strong person and i love
helping my friends with the situations and issues and good things going on in
their life. sometimes, i need to talk it out what's going in my life. it felt
terrifying but so reliving knowing i could talk to my friends about the weird
feelings i was was experiencing.
in 2017, i was working for this
super cool company based in toronto where i got to travel and made some kick
ass friends. it was a great gig. but as summer was ending, a feeling changed in
me. i couldn't put a word to it, still am not really sure. i just remember
sitting in a theater in downtown toronto having this massive staff meeting with
everyone from the company and all of a sudden, for no explained reason, i
couldn't breathe, i couldn't think straight.. was this an anxiety attack or an
asthma attack? i left the theater and called one of my best friends with tears
in my eyes trying to explain this inexpiable feeling. i texted my manager, told
her i needed to go home, she said let me know if you need anything. i got on
the train, went back to hamilton. and never returned to that job. i cried at
home for two days. i ended up moving back to nova scotia at the end of that
week because my emotions were so out of whack what i thought i needed was my
family and the ocean. i have learned since this experience how to cope better
with these emotions and i've completed school in a field that hits close to
home and makes me feel like i can handle things that come my way. i try and
live life with no regrets but sometimes, i do regret how that all ended. i felt
like my co workers deserved more of an explanation. it wasn't their fault, it wasn't
the job, it wasn't my fault. i had never experienced an anxiety attack like
that before and i had no idea how to handle it or even how to really talk about
it. i did however send my director an email explaining how i was feeling, what
i was doing, and thanking him for everything... i still often, think of this man. i have
met many people who have told me they have or have had bosses that don't
understand mental health which made having it, that much more challenging
living in a world where people didn't get it. how lucky i still feel
having had D as my director. i think of this often when i apply for a new job
or when applying for school. the way i left leaves a stale taste in my mouth.
but he was supportive, he was understanding, and told me if i ever ever needed
anything, he was there for me. even though we don’t talk, i still thank him for
this, and those kind words every single day. he gave me permission to feel what
i was feeling and maybe he doesn’t even know, but he made me feel like i wasn’t
“crazy”. i was embarrassed for how i left, and sometimes still feel like that.
i’m worried people that i worked with there look at me on social media and
think i’m a flake, or a weirdo who can’t handle her emotions. i know i am
neither of those things, but some days, you know, the thoughts get ahead of you
and it’s hard to reign them in. so this is for you D. thank you for everything.
and know your kids are so lucky to have a dad like you who is going to support
them through every hiccup they encounter. if i end up half the boss and parent
you are, i will be happy.
my next thought is my current job has
opened my eyes to a whole other side of mental health. i work with homeless
women who are experiencing moderate to severe severe mental health concerns.
it’s fascinating and sad in the same breath. some of them are so aware of
what’s happening to them, and they know they need help, and they want it to.
but when you’re homeless, resources are definitely limited for them to get the
help they deserve. working here has made me so unbelievably thankful for what i
have and the resources i can access if i need them.
self care has made dealing with my
mental health better. it’s the simple things:
-
like knowing when i
need to switch from coffee to tea because my anxiety and stomach can’t handle
another americano as much as my head says just do it.
-
it’s allowing my body to enjoy nourishing and delicious
food even though my head screams your fat and you do not deserve this. i pull
and scream in my head at my hips in the bathroom wishing i could pull them off
and be skinny and feel worthy of someone’s love. it’s acknowledging these
unhealthy thoughts, and attempting to correct my thought patterns… this one is
still a process for me
-
it’s
knowing i have a lot of work to do when it comes to how i view myself. i have
very low self esteem and i know i come off very differently then that, but some
days’ i despise what i see in the mirror and can’t understand why my friends
like me, sometimes i think they just humour me.
-
it’s
learning to be kinder to myself, or at least having this acknowledgment that i
need to be more intentional about being kinder to myself
i’m happy to live in a world where talking about these hard and
challenging things is becoming more acceptable. i’m happy i have people in my
circle regardless of how i feel about myself. as much as my heart hurts
sometimes, i know the sun is going to shine tomorrow, and all we have to do is
try again.
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