something's gotta give.

i have been trying to write a post for over a week now. every time i sit down to write or to brainstorm i get distracted, or i'm simply too tired to form together sentences. i've also been stuck on the idea of whether or not i feel like sharing anymore, or if i should continue because it's therapeutic. i just feel like sometimes i don't have anything good enough to read about, let alone for anyone else to read about. currently sitting here drinking an americano and hoping that'll help with the creative process. the following is the start and stop of my thought process over the last week or so

I’m tired. I am sitting here on my last night of my first contract for a job in my dream field. The last four months have been something I am lacking and searching to find the words for. It’s been exhausting, scary, rewarding, challenging, and educational to name a few. I have met some of the most resilient women living and navigating life on the hamilton streets. Fighting, living, and battling with addictions, lost loved ones, abuse, trauma, mental health concerns, you name it. I feel beyond thankful to have been trusted in a role so important and so crucial especially considering I am new to the field of social services and young in age compared to the clients they I have worked with. Overall I am thankful. It’s also made me realize something that I always seem to come back to in these posts. The importance of self care. This was my first job in the field, it was only a four month contract but it was in the lowest of barrier facility working straight night shifts. There were days on end I didn’t see the sun rise or set. Seasonal depression is very real. I struggled with taking care of myself over the last four months. I was focusing on caring and looking after others. Important as well yes, but I’ve now learned first hand why people get burnt out so fast in this industry. It’s hard work. It’s exhausting work. There were days between shifts I legitimately did nothing but sleep between shifts. I was choosing sleep or laying down doing nothing over eating, over socializing, over basic hygiene. I am tired. I just feel it all over my body. Mentally and physically. My body in the past always knows when the hard, exhausting seasons and months are coming to a close for me. It knows and presents itself in sickness. I have gotten chest infections before from pushing myself into the ground from working too hard.  having asthma always seems to make the sickness worse. This week I finally went to the doctor after three weeks of feeling less than sub par even considering I haven’t felt energetic or super great since before Christmas. The doctor told me I have bronchitis and strep throat. Great great supperrrrrrrr great. Just how I wanted to end my last weekend of work. 

I am now sitting in the airport parking lot waiting for one of my dearest friends in the world to come visit and to drive back to the east coast with me. This week has truly been so great for me and also bittersweet. I was offered a full time permanent position doing something I feel so very passionate about. I locked in a dream place to live with a good friend. Besides one other stint of a couple months one fall, this’ll be the first true time I’m living on my own with my own space. Something I’ve dreamt of for a long time. After living on the road travelling for three plus years. Living with relatives, and living in other peoples space. I finally have something to look forward to that’s going to be mine.

i wasn't sure if those above thoughts were going to be separate posts or posts t all or just my thoughts exploding on a page. i realized sometimes i may just post here and it's going to be a lot of words and they may not even make sense to anyone else. 

i hate feeling tired. i hate the current feel i feel. there are so many lovely things to look forward to and so many lovely people in my life. but sometimes i just dislike myself so much that it doesn't even feel worth the happy things because i feel like i don't deserve them. i am so disappointed and proud of myself in the same breath. i am proud of accomplishing and establishing myself in my field quickly and professionally. i am beyond disappointed for my utter lack of being able to take care of myself. it's so much easier to look after other people. but then when i'm alone with my thoughts i'm reminded things have gotten out of hand. my health has always been on my back burner. the least of my concerns. well, i shouldn't' say that. i try to push the feelings about myself down and away so i don't have to think about them but on the contrary, i am disappointed. i am upset with the amount of weight i've gained, what i see in the mirror and how i feel internally and how i look externally. there have been seasons of being better, of eating properly and exercising but for some reason it always seems to end. i have said many times this is it, this is the thing that's happened that's going to make me change my outlook on myself and my life.  at this point i'm not really sure what that rock bottom is going to be that i need to smarten up but i think i'm close to it. three weeks ago at the height of my sickness, i went away for the weekend without my puffers. for someone who has asthma i know better than to do something like that, especially when i'm sick. i physically could not lay down without my breathing getting so bad i was almost not breathing at all.  like i know better than to do shit like this but yet i do it anyway. 

this may seem like an irrational fear but i am constantly worrying and thinking about running out of time. out of time with my loved ones, not having enough time to do all of the things i want to do. its something that consumes on almost a daily basis. i love living in ontario and chasing some of my dreams but i also constantly feel like i'm missing out on everything that is going on at home on the east coast. i wish they were closer. i wish i could be experiencing each simultaneously. if anyone has any advice on coping with living away from home hit me up. (don't get me wrong i love living in ontario, i just need some coping methods for on the harder days when i want to be home with all that is familiar and safe) i am so sorry this post is a RAMBLER. i am going to continue to jump back from thought to thought when my brain does so i apologize if this is hard to follow. okay now back to the health side. i know if i don't start taking care of my asthma, my irrational fears may become more rational. there are different steps i want to take. i know i am overweight. and i can feel it sitting heavy on my ribs and lungs which does not help my breathing situation at all. i awnt to be healthy, i want to not want to cry every single time i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. i always thought this was something i could tackle alone but i'm starting to think it's not. i think i need direction and discipline. i am 25. i want to live a full, healthy, happy life and somedays i just feel like the best is already over and somedays i just feel like giving up because i have a hard time seeing the point sometime and i hate that i think this way and i want to change that. i know i feel better when i am looking after myself but it's just so hard to start off y'know? again, if anyone has any advice on how to start taking better care of my health in the aspects of diet and exercise i'm all ears. it feels weird asking for help. my whole job is surrounded around helping others. actually my last like 4 jobs were all about helping others. so now, i'm acknowledging, for me to continue to help others i gotta find help and to help myself. i'm tired of just feeling exhausted and fed up with myself. ok, it seems and feels like the time to some how FINALLY get my shit all together, or at least on the path to that.  i think this is enough rambling for this post. 

thank you if you've followed the ramblings of my brain and my thoughts from the sea for today. psa: i am on the east coast for the next week so stay tuned for probably at least one more post and hopefully it'll include some ocean pics and some revelations i hope to have in the next few days as i soak up all that is home and hope i can come out feeling better on the other side. xo