can't sit still.

I romanticize cities and the perfect lifestyle that is associated with that in my head. Like the Friends or How I met your Mother gang hanging out in New York City, spending too much time in coffee shops, falling in and out of love, and trying to make it in the big, real world as a 20 something year old.

I romanticize a lot of things. I yearn over the things I've already experienced. My nostalgia sometimes gets the best of me. Eating Kraft dinner out of the pot and drinking wine out of the bottle sitting on a Mexican blanket on the roof of my apartment building in Hamilton with my favourite humans. Eating pizza at 2,3 and 4 am in downtown Halifax after a night of dancing and partying with my high school friends. Staying awake all night during a freezing snow storm in Montreal in a cozy bachelor apartment catching up with an old friend. Cat sitting in Upper Manhattan in order to have a free place to stay for a week on the island. I forced myself to live like a local that week and took the subway everywhere. Being invited to Joe Jonas's restaurant in Los Angeles but decided to sleep instead so I could road trip to Joshua Tree the next early morning.

I have undoubtedly done a lot of fun things in a short amount of time considering i'm only 24. Yet, I constantly do not feel satisfied. I always want more. The next adventure, the next city, the next coffee shop, the next cool job. Currently, I have lived in the same spot since Last October. That's 10 full months as of yesterday. This may not sound like a big deal. However, this is the longest I've lived in the same spot since I was 18. I think it's safe to say I have commitment issues. I have lived where I am now because of school. School is something I never thought I would like, let alone love ever again. I spent my first year after high school going to university and I absolutely hated every second of it. The only thing I remember enjoying was skipping class and going on adventures with my best friend. (thank you for being there A, that was a shitty year. we both should've spent more time in class)  Back to the present, I am almost finished my diploma in Counselling/Human/Social Services diploma... there are so many words in this title, I need to shorten it up so it's not as much of a tongue twister when people ask me what my diploma is in. My program is amazing, I've learned so much about myself, how to talk, how to watch others body language and so much more. I'm still learning a ton about myself.

What I've learned for the most part are things I already knew, I've just become aware of them now. I now realize how impulsive I am. With my money, time, and living situations. I feel like i'm never satisfied. That i'm on this mission to find that thing or place that fills the little space in my heart that feels very empty. This is the most important thing I've realized and am trying to improve on. That being said, this brings me back to my original point. I romanticize cities. I feel independent and free in them. The bigger ones. I adore Halifax and all that it has to offer me. The proximity to some of the closest people to me that I hope I will always remain as close to them regardless of my physical location. The proximity to the ocean. I am a water person through and through and I don't think this will every change. My family is close, it's familiar, it's safe. But maybe that's the problem. It's safe. The east coast, has forever been my safety net. When did I become the type of person who needed a safety net? When i'm not in the safety net I thrive. I have the time of my life, and when things start to settle down and get familiar away from home, I end up coming home. I do this for a number of reasons. I over exert myself and throw myself into my jobs and then I burn out, freak out, have anxiety and don't know what to do with myself so I give up and move home. One of the biggest reasons I have decided to come home in the past has been guilt. Guilt that people were dealing with their own things back home and I wasn't around to help and console properly, guilt that my grandfather is sick and I should stick around in case he gets word.Guilt that I'm suppose to want to live here forever and that I would be letting my family down if I was further than an hour car drive away. Why does guilt dictate my decisions so much? I try and convince myself I need to be here. Don't get me wrong there are tons of reasons to stay. But i'm 24. I have no real commitments after my program is finished. I don't have a lease, a boyfriend, a pet. I may never get to be as free as I currently am. Do I really want to settle and be in Nova Scotia? I have been struggling with these back and forth feelings for the last 3 years or so. I'm working on that impulsive thing though. I'm talking to those who's opinions I care and trust and hold very high in my heart and mind. I'm thinking things through, i'm trying to take everything into consideration.

Independence is something I really want. I have always lived with family members or friends helping me out. I want a responsibility to myself to fully be able to look after myself and thrive alone for a bit. That's not to say I will not need my friends and family because I DEFINITELY need them.  I don't mean this to say that Halifax doesn't have anything to offer because it certainly does. I just try so hard to picture myself living in it and having a "normal" life and I just don't think i'm quite ready for it. I think Halifax to me means settling down. I want to settle down, but not for at least 5 years. I have things to do, people to see, places to visit, and myself to work on.

It truly depends on the day where I want to be. I'm trying to not feel guilty about my decision process. To be confident in whatever I end up deciding. Also to take solace in the fact that absolutely nothing has to be permanent. I can move back to Ontario and spend a couple years being and living in a city there, and who knows? In 2,5,10 years I may end up coming back to Nova Scotia because a huge chunk of my heart is here, belongs here, and will always be here.

I am learning that a place doesn't dictate all of the other things going on in my life. That I can't run away from things, I need to face them, think them through, and proceed with a mature decision.

I romanticize living in the big city. Wearing my flannel and drinking wine in a mason jar bare foot on my steps. I dream and hope if I do move that my best friends will fly to me for long weekends when they can and I can show them the city I love. That I can fly home for thanksgivings and be with the ones I love. That my dad will fly to me so we can go to a blue jay's game. That my best friends and I can fly and meet somewhere for a weekend getaway. To have routines of calling my best friends every other day and my family every week. To not lose touch with what's important at home if I decide to move away. But at the same time to not be consumed with other peoples' lives. To stop being jealous of other peoples lives and trying to integrate myself into the mold I thought I was suppose to fit into for so long. Nothing is permanent. I'm a dreamer. I am young, single, eager, and full of uncertainty and this long lasting need to keep moving.

I always worry how others perceive my indecisiveness. Some people are very supportive regardless, or bias towards one decision. I'm also learning it doesn't really matter what they think. I always worry about others perceptions of me and how my decisions affect them. I think I need to be more selfish, trust my gut. To know it's okay to move, it's okay to stay in my safety net and that I can always always change my mind. I have been blessed with the opportunities I've had so far in life and I think I need to embrace my indecisiveness and see it as more of a positive character attribute than a negative one.

It truly is a blessing and a curse for my heart to be pulled in two directions. I am loved. I have the best friends in the freaking world. The only thing I would change is that they were all in the same city so my decisions would be easier ;)

The friends and important people in my life up to this point will continue to be there and to remain as important regardless of my location, I hope you guys know that. You know who you areth. I pride myself on putting effort into those who matter to me and I appreciate and adore everyone's patience with indecisiveness me.

these are my rambling thoughts from the sea this week, thank you if you've made it this far, xo