heavy love.
weight.
pounds.
inches.
love handles.
hip bones.
collar bones.
wrists.
chin.
jaw.
arms.
these are the words and thoughts i have constantly... too constantly. i remember being 10 years old and weighing myself and crying because i was about to be in the "fat club". little did 10 year old me realize this was just puberty and i was growing into my body. this happened again when i was 20 and my body readjusted to fit the hips i would need to someday bare children.
i hate my body. i can't remember a day that i genuinely loved the skin i am in. it's something i've been struggling with for almost 15 years. when i was young i always dreamed and wished of having an eating disorder. how fucked up is that? to wish for something like that. it's been the last year or so that i've realized that my dream came true. except the opposite way i had anticipated. i self indulge and self sabotage. i love food too much. i am an emotional eater. if i'm stressed, sad, happy, anxious, it doesn't matter what the emotion is, i'll eat about it don't you worry. i crave food when my body is having a reaction to something. i then hate myself afterward. i have such strong negative self talk.
i have missed out on so many things because of my self conscious issues. dances, parties, outings, events, because i'm so unbelievably uncomfortable in my skin. i have told myself and others for many many years that the reason i don't date or have a boyfriend is because i "don't have the time", "i'm focusing on myself" or one of the other excuses in my repertoire. this is my confession for the first time that the real reason is because i feel like i do not deserve to be happy or to be in love because i don't deserve it because of my body. why would anyone even consider liking me if i don't even like myself? i'm smart, i'm funny, i'm assertive. but i feel so incredibly ugly that those others things don't even matter. it may sound superficial, but i have convinced myself that i have to lose a specific amount of weight before anyone will even glance my way.
this is hard to talk about. it's uncomfortable but i'm trying to find that solace to talk about the things that hurt my soul. this is one of the most major things affecting my life.
it's only been the last 3 months but i've decided to take control of this. i'm done hating myself. i want to love myself so i can consider opening up that space in my heart that has been so full of self hatred, to someone else in a positive way. i went over 5 years without weighing myself. i am currently at the lowest weight i've been in the last two years and it feels so damn fucking good. i am not even close to my end goal but i'm taking the baby steps to improve myself. i have no commitments right now besides school so it's the perfect time to make my full time commitment, priority, and job my health. i'm learning to love my thighs and my hips and to consider they will be perfect for a baby some day. i'm learning to love my arms because they've pulled me up from heart break in every version. i am still self conscious, i still cry sometimes because i hate looking in the mirror. but i'm learning. i want to be open about this because i know weight is such a hard thing to talk about for guys and girls alike. it's controlled my life for too long and i'm tired of it. i'm tired of feeling weak and turning to junk food. i'm learning to go to the gym when i'm stressed instead of eating a bag of chips. at the same time i'm learning to not punish myself if i eat something unhealthy too.
i don't look at this tattoo often because sometimes i feel like a hypocrite. for some reason it feels like i looked at it for the first time today in a different light. GRACE. i got this because i want to have grace. for people to look at me and see my grace in my mood, energy, and movement. i'm learning to live up to this tattoo. to give myself grace for all of the things my body has done for me. it's taken me to every province in canada before i was 20. it's cried so hard it's thrown up. it's been to haiti, mexico, and dominican republic. it's been to new york and california. it has broken from a horse back riding accident, it's fractured from me being clumsy, sprained from tug of war competitions, but it's also hugged profusely those others who are hurting and needed comfort. it's held the hands of those who mean the world to me. it's truly the only thing that is there for me every day and will be until i die and i deserve to take care of myself. i know i deserve to fall in love with my body, with myself, and hopefully someday with someone else.
i will leave you with this quote:
"your body is not a temple. your body is the house you grew up in. how dare you try to burn it to the ground. you are bigger than this. you are bigger than this." - sierra demulder
these are my thoughts from the sea for this week, thank you if you've made it this far. xo
pounds.
inches.
love handles.
hip bones.
collar bones.
wrists.
chin.
jaw.
arms.
these are the words and thoughts i have constantly... too constantly. i remember being 10 years old and weighing myself and crying because i was about to be in the "fat club". little did 10 year old me realize this was just puberty and i was growing into my body. this happened again when i was 20 and my body readjusted to fit the hips i would need to someday bare children.
i hate my body. i can't remember a day that i genuinely loved the skin i am in. it's something i've been struggling with for almost 15 years. when i was young i always dreamed and wished of having an eating disorder. how fucked up is that? to wish for something like that. it's been the last year or so that i've realized that my dream came true. except the opposite way i had anticipated. i self indulge and self sabotage. i love food too much. i am an emotional eater. if i'm stressed, sad, happy, anxious, it doesn't matter what the emotion is, i'll eat about it don't you worry. i crave food when my body is having a reaction to something. i then hate myself afterward. i have such strong negative self talk.i have missed out on so many things because of my self conscious issues. dances, parties, outings, events, because i'm so unbelievably uncomfortable in my skin. i have told myself and others for many many years that the reason i don't date or have a boyfriend is because i "don't have the time", "i'm focusing on myself" or one of the other excuses in my repertoire. this is my confession for the first time that the real reason is because i feel like i do not deserve to be happy or to be in love because i don't deserve it because of my body. why would anyone even consider liking me if i don't even like myself? i'm smart, i'm funny, i'm assertive. but i feel so incredibly ugly that those others things don't even matter. it may sound superficial, but i have convinced myself that i have to lose a specific amount of weight before anyone will even glance my way.
this is hard to talk about. it's uncomfortable but i'm trying to find that solace to talk about the things that hurt my soul. this is one of the most major things affecting my life.
it's only been the last 3 months but i've decided to take control of this. i'm done hating myself. i want to love myself so i can consider opening up that space in my heart that has been so full of self hatred, to someone else in a positive way. i went over 5 years without weighing myself. i am currently at the lowest weight i've been in the last two years and it feels so damn fucking good. i am not even close to my end goal but i'm taking the baby steps to improve myself. i have no commitments right now besides school so it's the perfect time to make my full time commitment, priority, and job my health. i'm learning to love my thighs and my hips and to consider they will be perfect for a baby some day. i'm learning to love my arms because they've pulled me up from heart break in every version. i am still self conscious, i still cry sometimes because i hate looking in the mirror. but i'm learning. i want to be open about this because i know weight is such a hard thing to talk about for guys and girls alike. it's controlled my life for too long and i'm tired of it. i'm tired of feeling weak and turning to junk food. i'm learning to go to the gym when i'm stressed instead of eating a bag of chips. at the same time i'm learning to not punish myself if i eat something unhealthy too.
i don't look at this tattoo often because sometimes i feel like a hypocrite. for some reason it feels like i looked at it for the first time today in a different light. GRACE. i got this because i want to have grace. for people to look at me and see my grace in my mood, energy, and movement. i'm learning to live up to this tattoo. to give myself grace for all of the things my body has done for me. it's taken me to every province in canada before i was 20. it's cried so hard it's thrown up. it's been to haiti, mexico, and dominican republic. it's been to new york and california. it has broken from a horse back riding accident, it's fractured from me being clumsy, sprained from tug of war competitions, but it's also hugged profusely those others who are hurting and needed comfort. it's held the hands of those who mean the world to me. it's truly the only thing that is there for me every day and will be until i die and i deserve to take care of myself. i know i deserve to fall in love with my body, with myself, and hopefully someday with someone else.
i will leave you with this quote:
"your body is not a temple. your body is the house you grew up in. how dare you try to burn it to the ground. you are bigger than this. you are bigger than this." - sierra demulder
these are my thoughts from the sea for this week, thank you if you've made it this far. xo
Comments
Post a Comment