'tis the season.

"something is missing from me. 

it aches. 

is it the season. 

the cold that sits in your bones and even heavier in your heart. 

it’s a time when you want to feel loved. to feel wanted and needed. 

it’s easier to be alone and free when your skin feels warm. 

it’s when the birkenstocks tan finally fades and your freckles go into hiding when it gets rough. 

i don’t love my pale and elastic skin. 

i don’t love how i feel when i wake up in the morning. 

sometimes it’s hard to remember good things to wake up to. sometimes you just want to sleep away a full season. a season of weather, a season of your life. 

things will get better. they always say that don’t they? define better. define different. 

what does it take to “get there” what is the full package? 

it is a complicated and messy world we live. my brain is messy, my hair is even messier and as you can tell by these words my thoughts are at the top of the messy totem pole. it is a complicated world but i think my needs are quite simple. i need fulfillment. in what capacity i am still learning. i crave having someone to sleep next to in the most simple form. just the warmth of knowing someone is there and will be when i wake up to have coffee with. to feel accomplished in my career and know i am making a difference even though our system is terribly broken. i crave loving myself and feeling that sense of light when my feet hit the floor in the morning, i wish i did feel that. this isn’t asking for pity. it’s just honesty. i truly don’t know what it will take to love myself the way i know i should and what that will even look like a month from now, a year from now and even five years from now. i am antsy. i am impatient and never fully satisfied with what i need. i want love and to be loved by myself in hopes that someone else will understand someday how confusing my brain and all of the different seasons are. i tell and remind people all of the time to remember their worth and their value and to not be defined by others - so why can’t i tell myself the same thing?"

i shared this on my instagram page the other day and a good friend encouraged me to post and write about it in my blog. so here i am. i know sometimes we read things on the internet that you probably think, "oh that person is overreacting", or "is their life really feel like that or do they just want something to write about?" or my favourite "oh my god, i feel like they are in my brain... i feel the exact same way." i'm hoping this reaches those individuals who feel what i'm feeling. sometimes it can be hard to explain what i'm feeling. i don't have a mental health diagnoses but sometimes it sure feels like i do. i feel extremely affected by the seasons. i thrive in the summer and fall. winter and spring are much harder on me. physically and emotionally. 

as we are approaching winter, which is by far my hardest time of year, i am facing new challenges. i have started my first legit job in my field. it's challenging, rewarding, frustrating and eye opening all at the same time. i am only one week into it and i have most definitely felt like crying at least once. i am working overnights which adds a whole challenge itself. i haven't seen the daylight much this week. the sun is up when i'm driving home from work and setting or already set when i wake up in the later afternoon after doing a ten hour overnight shift. i already feel it in my body the depressive feelings that come with the colder and shorter days. this is kind of my shout out to myself to hold myself accountable as we live within winter that i need to take extra special care of myself. here are my winter intentions i hope to complete and to follow up writing about:

-join a hot yoga studio - i have always loved yoga and enjoy classes when i actually get my butt to them. doing hot yoga during the cold months is exactly the thing my body needs

-to be intentional about the food i'm putting into my body. winter is a time for restoring and protecting our bodies from all the things it's experienced over the last year. it's also a time to prepare our bodies for the awakening that will be spring and a new season in weather and life. 

-to actually use that gym membership i'm paying for - it has been challenging for me so far to make a routine for myself. it has just been over a month since i've changed cities so i'm still learning where to place my feet and where my footing will take me. 

-to be honest and talk about the things that seem to hurt in hopes of it being therapeutic to get the words out and to also hope that someone else may be able to connect - please feel free to reach out if you wanna talk! advice, or to just bounce ideas off of each other - i am here :) 

-to keep exploring this city and all that it has to offer. for starters, so many coffee shops which is lovely. this city is unique and beautiful in it's own way and i love what it has in store for me. 

-to learn to spend money and budget like an adult. i have always been terrible at managing my money. there are many things i want to do in 2019 and lots of things from 2018 i still need to pay for. this is a perfect exercise in patience for myself and knowing that saving and being intentional about where i'm putting my money in the long run could be very beneficial. 

-to work harder on connecting with my loved ones back home - i chose to move away from home to grow as a person and in my career. i need to remember this was what i wanted and there will be hard times but i can get through them and push on forward for what i want. i miss my friends and family at home all the time and keeping in contact makes them feel a little closer. i was lucky enough to have my best friend from back home stay with me the last two weekends. so great to be able to spend time with someone from home especially right before the holidays. this will be my first year not home for christmas will be a new experience for me so i'm thankful he was here for a bit.

i am trying to not be so scared of winter. my feelings lately are that winter and the cold are very lonely, as well as growing up can feel lonely at times too. i am trying to remind myself that i am for sure not the only one that feels these things. i have expressed these feelings to some people and they understand it. it's like a sigh of relief when i finally open up and someone gets it. it's all about connection. connection with ourselves and each other. winter can be so challenging for so many reasons. i am hoping that by following this list i have set out for myself i will slowly learn to be more accepting of who i am and to be okay with the process of becoming who i want to be and that where i am right now is okay. i don't feel like that today but i have hope i will make it there. 

i encourage everyone reading to try and be intentional for yourself to make it a little easier this winter. i have been reading up a lot on the concept of hygge. it's the art of making yourself a cozy space. warm lighting, candles, cozy blankets, you name it. i think i've been doing this for years without even knowing it had a definition. it's about making your space and your soul feel good. i am all about that. i hope to touch base soon and that i can report back that i held myself accountable towards all of the thing si want to do this winter. keep reading and asking questions. thank you so much if you've gotten this far. these are my thoughts from the sea for this week. xo