count to ten.
i asked a couple of my best friends what i should write about this week. i was craving writing, but had no ideas. now that i think about it i think i was just feeling awake off the espresso i drank in bed and wanted to do something productive with that energy.
okay, breathe in, breathe out, repeat. let's go.
i've slept a lot in the last day. sometimes, a lot of the time let's be honest, i forget to slow down. i forget until my body refuses to do anything but slow down and it hits me hard. i'm trying to catch myself before i get to that point because i usually get sick when i forget to slow down. slowing down is hard for me. i have to be extremely intentional about it. i am not a patient person. when i realize i have no plans, don't have to work, or have no obligations, i have no idea what to do with myself. i am fickle. i crave and adore the quiet, but hate and fear it at the same time. how lucky am i to get to experience both and know the difference?
i've spent more time just by myself in the last 48 hours then i have in months. i did yoga in front of
my fire place, i watched a movie from start to finish without falling asleep, i did four loads of laundry, i listened to music loudly with no headphones in, i made a yummy, healthy breakfast two mornings in a row, i even painted two pots and a tray for my coffee for those slow mornings in bed.
sometimes as humans, me being the rule not the exception, we anticipate what's next, and what could be better and that we will never be happy in the moment with what we have. we think in timelines and that if we can reach the end of the timeline we will be happier. i used to think that my physical location was the answer to my happiness. i am learning that it's all about how you treat each situation and little tick in the timeline, it's about the adventure and there is no end goal. this gives me a bit of solace. i constantly fear and worry that i have already lived my best life and that as i turn 25, my life is over and i have to be an "adult". i have been voicing this concern to people in my different circles lately and it's actually been extremely therapeutic to talk about it. everyone older than me has reassured me the best is yet to come. wow. i truly have had a kick ass early 20's i can't imagine life getting any better than it already has been (part of why i feel depressed feelings on getting older) what a nice feeling that my life isn't over and that more exciting things are to come.
for some reason lately i've been taking positive things in my life and twisting them in my head as negative ones. there are no words to express how freaking lucky i feel to have the job i currently have. i am fresh out of school and younger than my co workers by more than just a few years. i feel as if it's a position people who are more established in their careers deserve. not me. why me. i have these self sabotaging thoughts sometimes like this is a test, i can't do this, they are waiting for me to fail. it's only a contract, this taste of success is short lived and has a shelf life. stop. thinking. like this. this is my blog and i do prefer to be modest, but i am going to brag a little. after all, i am learning to be grateful for what i have and maybe that means expressing it in words. i had a meeting last week to finalize my work placement hours (officially not a student anymore woo freaking hoo!) i was reassured by a supervisor who i look up to so much that i am dependable, that i stuck out to them right away with my potential and go getter attitude. wow. i get speechless when people say nice things to me. i just kept saying thank you because i didn't know how to express how truly touched i felt in my heart that someone believed in me. i don't mean this to say no one has believed in me in my life before. i have a very supportive, encouraging family and friends. but they're supposed to have your back. this supervisor doesn't have to have my back. she doesn't have to say nice things to me if she doesn't want to. that's the difference. sometimes you just need someone else to believe in you first in order to learn and realize you should believe in yourself.
we are getting to the point of why i wanted to write this blog. a list of what i am grateful for and why it's so important for me at this point in my life to articulate what that looks like.
this last year i have been blessed (as cheesy af as that sounds) to have supportive people in my life. i met one of the most influential, supportive, encouraging human beings this last year. my instructor in my social services program. he believed in me from day one. he believed, and believes in me to this day way more than i believe in myself. he is encouraging. he called me intelligent and explained to me that intelligence is more than a mark on a piece of paper (even though that too is extremely important to me). i think he was the first person to vocalize to me my level of intelligence. it's something i had no idea mattered so much to me and how much i've internalized never being enough. never skinny enough, smart enough, pretty enough, graceful enough, quiet enough. he taught me that everything that i am is enough. that what is on the inside at the end of the day is who you are at the core and how that trumps all of that other stuff. (WOW; the cheesiness is just flowing today eh)
i have so much in my life, yet still feel like it's not enough sometimes. and then i feel guilty because of the population i get to work with. they truly come from situations where they don't have anything, and then i feel like a dick for not being happy with my life. a friend who passed away a few years ago has instilled one of the most important intentions to me. gratitude vs guilt. it's all about knowing the difference, that there is a fine line between the two, and that when you learn the difference, use that power to do good. it's about being grateful for what we have, we don't have to feel guilty about what we are blessed to have, but we should know the difference and be thankful for those nice things in life, and to just do our best. this is really me giving myself advice but pretending to send it out into the world to everyone else. i mean, if the shoe fits, please take it too. :)
so a long story and point, kind of still long. here is a list of things i keep thinking in my head i am grateful for.
-the fresh eucalyptus hanging in my shower that fills my lungs with the fresh scent in a nice long hot shower after a 10 hour shift at the homeless shelter. it's the refreshing reminder that each day is a new day.
-my basket of cozy reading blankets. these are there for a warm invite for my friends who sit on my couch. some of these blankets come from my favourite community and place in the world in mexico. being here back in ontario means more time spent with the people who have loved and supported me through all of my moves back and forth between nova scotia and ontario. for those raw late night conversations about life, dreams, heartbreak and passions.
coffee. you all knew that one was coming right? i pretty much wake up for this sole reason some days. i love that it makes me feel complete even when i'm alone. it gives me that little boost to be productive. it's also the best thing to have between you and another person during conversations, drive, sing alongs, you name it.
-slow mornings. i have realized one of the best aspects of working overnights is that i never have to wake up in the morning for work. it's SO nice. whether that means making a yummy breakfast when i get home from work before heading to bed, or like today on my day off when i woke up naturally feeling refreshed at 8am with no where to go today but the kitchen for some nourishment.
-empathy. this is one of my strengths and my weaknesses. sometimes being so empathetic makes my bones and heartache. other days, it's so great because it gives me the ability to connect deeper to my clients at work. my family and i lost our home when we were 12. i know all about what it feels like to have to rely on family members and other resources to have a place to sleep.
-debt. i realize this sounds like a dumb thing to be grateful for. but i am. the fact that i have debt means that i have things in my life that are worth the debt.
-my car, my trusty car. her name is blair after my favourite gossip girl character of course. her and i have had so many adventures. i drove her to new york, toronto, boston, back and forth between hamilton and halifax wayyyy too many times.
-the debt i owe for school and living through school. it just means i have people and a system who believed in me when i said i had passion i needed to follow. that i found a purpose in life worth chasing that needed some financial support to kick start.
-health. this one freaks me out. i constantly live in fear of getting sick. like super sick. i need to stop this. i need to be thankful for how i feel now and that i have the opportunity to improve aspects of my health because i am young and don't really have many health concerns. one of my very close family members is extremely sick and it's hard to watch. i try and be thankful for what i have and for the time they had to be healthy and just pray and put all of my good vibes their direction in the hope of a miracle of some sort.
-technology. as much as we live in a world where we are probably to connected to the internet i am still thankful for it. my entire family lives three provinces away. facetime is such a nice luxury to be able to get to see their faces when i miss them and home.
-music. i don't know where i would be without it. sometimes just being able to plug my headphones in and drown out the outside world is the most therapeutic thing i can get and sometimes all i need. whether that's connecting with the lyrics, falling asleep listening to the piano in a song, or getting to hear my friends sing.
this is just a self reminder, and a reminder to you - even on our shittiest days, i promise there is some good. sometimes we just have to dig a little deeper to be reminded of that and to find it. i think it's about being lucky enough to have these slower moments of reflection. to be thankful for the fast pace that is life, but to cherish the slower moments as well. we are not here long, we might as well make the most of it and enjoy every single second we can. and when it all gets too much or too overwhelming. that's what your support network/circle is for. sometimes we just gotta breathe in, breathe out, count to ten, count your blessings, repeat.
thank you if you've made it this far, these are my thoughts from the sea for this week, xo
okay, breathe in, breathe out, repeat. let's go.
i've slept a lot in the last day. sometimes, a lot of the time let's be honest, i forget to slow down. i forget until my body refuses to do anything but slow down and it hits me hard. i'm trying to catch myself before i get to that point because i usually get sick when i forget to slow down. slowing down is hard for me. i have to be extremely intentional about it. i am not a patient person. when i realize i have no plans, don't have to work, or have no obligations, i have no idea what to do with myself. i am fickle. i crave and adore the quiet, but hate and fear it at the same time. how lucky am i to get to experience both and know the difference?
i've spent more time just by myself in the last 48 hours then i have in months. i did yoga in front of
my fire place, i watched a movie from start to finish without falling asleep, i did four loads of laundry, i listened to music loudly with no headphones in, i made a yummy, healthy breakfast two mornings in a row, i even painted two pots and a tray for my coffee for those slow mornings in bed.
sometimes as humans, me being the rule not the exception, we anticipate what's next, and what could be better and that we will never be happy in the moment with what we have. we think in timelines and that if we can reach the end of the timeline we will be happier. i used to think that my physical location was the answer to my happiness. i am learning that it's all about how you treat each situation and little tick in the timeline, it's about the adventure and there is no end goal. this gives me a bit of solace. i constantly fear and worry that i have already lived my best life and that as i turn 25, my life is over and i have to be an "adult". i have been voicing this concern to people in my different circles lately and it's actually been extremely therapeutic to talk about it. everyone older than me has reassured me the best is yet to come. wow. i truly have had a kick ass early 20's i can't imagine life getting any better than it already has been (part of why i feel depressed feelings on getting older) what a nice feeling that my life isn't over and that more exciting things are to come.
for some reason lately i've been taking positive things in my life and twisting them in my head as negative ones. there are no words to express how freaking lucky i feel to have the job i currently have. i am fresh out of school and younger than my co workers by more than just a few years. i feel as if it's a position people who are more established in their careers deserve. not me. why me. i have these self sabotaging thoughts sometimes like this is a test, i can't do this, they are waiting for me to fail. it's only a contract, this taste of success is short lived and has a shelf life. stop. thinking. like this. this is my blog and i do prefer to be modest, but i am going to brag a little. after all, i am learning to be grateful for what i have and maybe that means expressing it in words. i had a meeting last week to finalize my work placement hours (officially not a student anymore woo freaking hoo!) i was reassured by a supervisor who i look up to so much that i am dependable, that i stuck out to them right away with my potential and go getter attitude. wow. i get speechless when people say nice things to me. i just kept saying thank you because i didn't know how to express how truly touched i felt in my heart that someone believed in me. i don't mean this to say no one has believed in me in my life before. i have a very supportive, encouraging family and friends. but they're supposed to have your back. this supervisor doesn't have to have my back. she doesn't have to say nice things to me if she doesn't want to. that's the difference. sometimes you just need someone else to believe in you first in order to learn and realize you should believe in yourself.we are getting to the point of why i wanted to write this blog. a list of what i am grateful for and why it's so important for me at this point in my life to articulate what that looks like.
this last year i have been blessed (as cheesy af as that sounds) to have supportive people in my life. i met one of the most influential, supportive, encouraging human beings this last year. my instructor in my social services program. he believed in me from day one. he believed, and believes in me to this day way more than i believe in myself. he is encouraging. he called me intelligent and explained to me that intelligence is more than a mark on a piece of paper (even though that too is extremely important to me). i think he was the first person to vocalize to me my level of intelligence. it's something i had no idea mattered so much to me and how much i've internalized never being enough. never skinny enough, smart enough, pretty enough, graceful enough, quiet enough. he taught me that everything that i am is enough. that what is on the inside at the end of the day is who you are at the core and how that trumps all of that other stuff. (WOW; the cheesiness is just flowing today eh)
i have so much in my life, yet still feel like it's not enough sometimes. and then i feel guilty because of the population i get to work with. they truly come from situations where they don't have anything, and then i feel like a dick for not being happy with my life. a friend who passed away a few years ago has instilled one of the most important intentions to me. gratitude vs guilt. it's all about knowing the difference, that there is a fine line between the two, and that when you learn the difference, use that power to do good. it's about being grateful for what we have, we don't have to feel guilty about what we are blessed to have, but we should know the difference and be thankful for those nice things in life, and to just do our best. this is really me giving myself advice but pretending to send it out into the world to everyone else. i mean, if the shoe fits, please take it too. :)
so a long story and point, kind of still long. here is a list of things i keep thinking in my head i am grateful for.
-the fresh eucalyptus hanging in my shower that fills my lungs with the fresh scent in a nice long hot shower after a 10 hour shift at the homeless shelter. it's the refreshing reminder that each day is a new day.-my basket of cozy reading blankets. these are there for a warm invite for my friends who sit on my couch. some of these blankets come from my favourite community and place in the world in mexico. being here back in ontario means more time spent with the people who have loved and supported me through all of my moves back and forth between nova scotia and ontario. for those raw late night conversations about life, dreams, heartbreak and passions.
coffee. you all knew that one was coming right? i pretty much wake up for this sole reason some days. i love that it makes me feel complete even when i'm alone. it gives me that little boost to be productive. it's also the best thing to have between you and another person during conversations, drive, sing alongs, you name it.
-slow mornings. i have realized one of the best aspects of working overnights is that i never have to wake up in the morning for work. it's SO nice. whether that means making a yummy breakfast when i get home from work before heading to bed, or like today on my day off when i woke up naturally feeling refreshed at 8am with no where to go today but the kitchen for some nourishment.-empathy. this is one of my strengths and my weaknesses. sometimes being so empathetic makes my bones and heartache. other days, it's so great because it gives me the ability to connect deeper to my clients at work. my family and i lost our home when we were 12. i know all about what it feels like to have to rely on family members and other resources to have a place to sleep.
-debt. i realize this sounds like a dumb thing to be grateful for. but i am. the fact that i have debt means that i have things in my life that are worth the debt.
-my car, my trusty car. her name is blair after my favourite gossip girl character of course. her and i have had so many adventures. i drove her to new york, toronto, boston, back and forth between hamilton and halifax wayyyy too many times.
-the debt i owe for school and living through school. it just means i have people and a system who believed in me when i said i had passion i needed to follow. that i found a purpose in life worth chasing that needed some financial support to kick start.
-health. this one freaks me out. i constantly live in fear of getting sick. like super sick. i need to stop this. i need to be thankful for how i feel now and that i have the opportunity to improve aspects of my health because i am young and don't really have many health concerns. one of my very close family members is extremely sick and it's hard to watch. i try and be thankful for what i have and for the time they had to be healthy and just pray and put all of my good vibes their direction in the hope of a miracle of some sort.
-technology. as much as we live in a world where we are probably to connected to the internet i am still thankful for it. my entire family lives three provinces away. facetime is such a nice luxury to be able to get to see their faces when i miss them and home.
-music. i don't know where i would be without it. sometimes just being able to plug my headphones in and drown out the outside world is the most therapeutic thing i can get and sometimes all i need. whether that's connecting with the lyrics, falling asleep listening to the piano in a song, or getting to hear my friends sing.
thank you if you've made it this far, these are my thoughts from the sea for this week, xo
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