not enough or too much.

someone who i've gotten to know over the last couple months who i consider us to be very similar in many ways, our music taste, our emphatic to a flaw bones, our love of blundstones, our body types. said to me, "us fat girls have to stick together"... i was taken aback. why did this bother me so much? i think it's that word. fat. FAT. it's a scary, mean word to me and i know it shouldn't be. i don't look at her and think she's fat. i see her for all of these other qualities. she refers to herself as fat but doesn't seem to be phased by it in the least. it's because i see the negative connotations of the word whereas i'm jealous that she does not see it that way. i remember being 10 and standing on the scale in my parents bathroom crying because i thought i was becoming "fat". like what the fuck is that? ten. i have been obsessed with the terms for FIFTEEN YEARS. fifteen years i have not liked the way i looked. the sad thing is every five years or so i reflect on pictures from the past five and what i would give to look the way i looked the first time i thought i was "fat"

this is truly something that is extremely hard for me to talk about. i am not good at talking about this 

 i'll admit i am feeling vulnerable even typing about it but i also feel the safety of being able to hide behind my laptop as i pour my heart out on this topic that hurts me so much.

picture from pinterest

"why don't you have a boyfriend?" "why aren't you dating?" "YOU'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND/RELATIONSHIP?!" "you're beautiful why are you single?" these are all statements i've been told more than once. "oh i'm just super busy doing me." "i don't have time for a relationship  right now." "i travel too much with my job i don't have time to date" "there's no one worth dating right now."  'i told someone once i liked them and did that ever backfire why would i ever do it again" these are my responses to these questions. when in BRUTAL honesty, the more true reason i've hid behind is because,
- i don't feel worthy
- i hate my body
-if i hate my body why would anyone else like it?
-i value my physical attributes higher than i value my personality and expect others to do the same
-it doesn't matter if you're intelligent if you're overweight
-the guy i like is out of my league because he is physically attractive and i am not

i know these are negative thoughts. i know they are not productive. i would tell anyone else who said
these things that none of these things are true and that people who value only physical over mental aren't worth your time anyways. it's one of those situations where it's easier said than done. i could give advice everyday all day on body positive things until the cows come home, but i don't believe a word of it for myself. you try and block out the negative things you hear or know. i have a friend who her boyfriend mentioned something about being happy she was a small girl. what am i suppose to do with that information? does that not make me worthy of being her friend because i'm not small? how do you view me? is my personality correlated to my size?

this is something that affects me every.single.day. sometimes i tell myself i'm a coward because i always wished i had the will power to have an eating disorder. how fucked up is that? i think obviously partly to blame is our society for what we've been taught the definition of beauty is. that image we are striving for, those girls with the beautiful boyfriends i creep on instagram. we are coming into a time where body positive instagram accounts are huge which is freaking amazing and inspiring and i hope this continues.

i wish i was okay with my body. i find this time of year is always harder with new years resolutions and the amount of holiday indulging we all do. (let's be honest my holiday indulging only ended this last past weekend) i wish i believed it when people told me i was beautiful. i wish i didn't have these debilitating thoughts. instagram is great for inspiring people to talk about this but i am also finding it consuming in a negative way as well. it's hard to not judge your worth based on the amount of likes a photo gets.

i am going to try. slowly. i know i could simply accept how and who i am the way i am. to be honest though? i don't want to do that. i am stubborn and impatient. not the best two qualities together. but i want to try. i want to at least feel semi okay in my own skin. as cheesy af as the quote that loosely goes like, you'll never be in love with someone else until you love yourself. i think it's true. i know i should feel worthy of love from another human being but i don't. i don't date because i hate my body and i don't think i deserve love if i can't even treat myself properly. i know this is something extremely important i need to navigate and i know it's a topic girls and guys alike are struggling with. we are coming of an age where talking about mental health is okay and even encouraged. so now i'm working on being vulnerable when it comes to talking about how my mental health struggles when my physical health isn't the best.

i want to not care about the number on the scale but i do. i want to be strong. i want to have energy. i want to feel okay in my skin. i think it's going to be a long journey but i am turning 25 next month and that just sounds scary. i read an article the other day about a women who was turning 26 and she said i think this is the age where i'm suppose to take the "ing" of the word adult and just be one. i liked this and i'll take her words into consideration that i have the next year to give myself the grace i desperately need to navigate my health, mentally and physically. learning more about proper food, exercise and learning to sleep properly working overnights. i don't have to have everything together by 25 like i have always dreamed of. i think i am at an age however where it's time to start viewing my physical health more seriously. maybe that's the first step for me in taking the "ing" out of the word adult.

i think my brain needs a break from social media and pop culture in order to get healthy. i think i'm
too consumed with the outside world and that has led me to neglect my inside world that is yelling at me for attention. i'm not sure what a break from social media is going to look like. even just taking a few days without checking feels better. if anyone feels like this and wants or needs to chat about it, please please reach out. i would love nothing more to talk to those living this same life i am feeling.

thank you if you have made it this far, these are my thoughts from the sea this week, xo