quarter life.

i can't sleep. it's 3:52am. instead of tossing and turning i thought i should try and use this as a productive opportunity. forewarning this may simply turn into a mini vent session as a way to get everything off my chest that has been lingering there lately. given the time of day or night or morning or whatever you call 4am, it may be a little sloppy too, my apologies.

februrary is impending and i'm freaking scared. why do i care so much about this year of getting older? i have never cared about another age yet. 19 was whatever to me, not a huge deal, 21 didn't matter living in canada. but 25... i just feel like i was going to be in such a different spot now then i am. don't get me wrong, i'm thankful and appreciative of where i am.. but this is simply not what i envisioned. am i having a quarter life crisis? even that sentence freaks me out. i'm definitely not going to live to be 100 so does that mean i'm already passed by 1/4 mark and i missed it? why does it feel like i'm not living as fully as i hoped. people older than me joke around and say things like "don't you complain about your age" "what i'd give to be your age again" "it gets better after 25" "you're still a baby why are you worrying?" okay maybe these things and thoughts are valid to you - but please don't take away from what i'm experiencing. you've been there and just by making comments about my age in no way makes me feel better or is going to make you younger again (sorry) my feelings are valid and i'm allowed to feel them whether others understand or not. i constantly try and remind myself that i am still very youthful and i have tons of time. some days however, i just feel like my life is over. not to sound super depressing. but yeah. i have just started working in my field and am starting to build some roots and a community in a city that is kind of new kind of familiar to me. these are great things but for some reason i have never been good with a ton of routine. life get's mundane fast for me and that scares me. it scares me that i may never be fully happy being in a certain job, field, city, home, etc. i am learning that happiness is an adventure not an end destination you can get to. it's not pulling into the driveway after a long trip, or stepping off a plane after vacation. it's tuesday game nights and friday movie nights with my friends. it's the anticipation of coffee saturday morning. or buying those new blundstones i've been thinking about for the past year. i need to be more grateful for those little things. little things are fantastic. but sometimes i have to fixate on them because i feel like the big things are not happening.

 i've touched on this before. i feel like i'm in different spot then a ton of my friends. but in that same breathe, i know a ton of people who do get what i'm feeling and understand it because they are living it to. i'm almost 25 and i've never been in a relationship, i've never been in love. correction: i've never been in love with a person. i've loved my life. i've loved the opportunities i've gotten and the places i've already gotten to see in my what people keep telling me, my short life.  but i've never experienced it for another human. why is that? i wish i knew that answer so it wouldn't sting as much when people ask or realize and i have no answer. to be truthful and cheesy as a cheese factory, i have been on this journey of trying and learning to love myself and it has not been an easy road. the journey feels like i'm walking on a dirt road barefoot with blisters on my feet some days. i am working on becoming a person i like and am proud of. maybe that's why 25 is scary. kinda thought i would've had that all figured out by now. i know times are changing but it's impossible for me to get it out of my brain that my mother had me when she was 24. comparison is an ugly thorn to stare down in the face and if you get too close it may cut you. you're not suppose to compare your chapter 2 to someone else's chapter 20 but it's sooooo easy and self deprecation is an effortless crutch. 

when i picture my mid-twenties in an ideal world, it's travelling and falling in love with someone and living life to the absolute fullest. going to concerts, learning new cultures, trying to find, even though i know it doesn't exist, that end station of happiness. everyone's definition of full and happy is different. for this period and season of my life i have to need to simply focus on my own needs and desires and to enjoy the sometimes, let's be honest, most of the times, awkward confusing time that is our 20's.

sometimes writing is therapeutic. sometimes i think i just have verbal diarrhea on a page. sometimes i don't feel better at the end of a post even though i've spilt out all of my thoughts. so yeah. to be honest i'm not sure what it is i'm looking for or what i need. i am hoping with a new age will come some more wisdom and grace on how to handle it all and to learn to not compare my chapters to someone else's. 

it's 4:30am now and i'm still not tired. here is a quick little glimpse into my playlist that i'm listening to that usually helps me wind down and helps me sleep:

rivers and roads - the head and the heart 

the wolves (act I and II) - bon iver 

lost in the light - bahamas

family and genus - shakey graves 

cold - novo amor 

from gold - novo amor

anthems of a seventeen year old girl - broken social scene 

waiting - alice boman 

thank you if you've made it this far, i hope you got more sleep today than i did. these are my thoughts from the sea for this week, xo