ready to let go.
it has taken me so so SO long to finally sit down and write. if i'm being honest, i will probably get
distracted very soon and this'll all get erased and i'll pretend this never happened but let's give it a go.
i had a shitty week. actually, that's a little harsh. i had a crappy couple of days in what was an overall okay week. but you know those days where it's just like you are so done with everything and everyone and you just don't know how to cope? yeah those ones. that was my friday and i haven't been able to quite shake the feeling off completely. i like to think of myself as an overall happy person. i try not to complain too much. but some days are harder than others to keep my mouth or my thoughts shut.
there's a lot going on in my brain these days: do i apply for my bachelor degree? / am i getting sick because working overnights and then pretending the next day i didn't so i can still have a social life catching up with me? / why oh why do i grit and clench my teeth so much? why can't i hold my stress in some other part of my body that i'm less aware of / why do i always cut my ankles when i'm shaving and why does it still hurt five days later / am i doing the right job? / is this what i want to keep doing? / was my diploma a waste of money? / why am i getting scars from acne at 24 / when did i gain enough weight that i see it in my face / what is going on in my brain that makes me despise my body but also keeps me from really changing anything / thoughts and thoughts and more thoughts.
what has to happen to ACTUALLY make a positive change. i help people every day try and make better decisions or give suggestions on how to do so. helping yourself seems like a much bigger, scarier task. am i lazy for not doing much? or is it all just too overwhelming that i just give up before i even attempt to change things. maybe it's the fact that i want to change so many different aspects of my life that it feels unattainable. do i even want to list all of things on here that i want to change? or will that just make me feel depressed.
- lose weight
-get out of debt
-not be obsessed with social media
-have my own living space
-have a daily purpose for something that's bigger than myself
it seems like a small enough list but they're big things. i'm not sure why it feels like i'm having a mid-life crisis. besides the obvious fact that i turn 25 next week. gross. i have never cared about turning an age until now. i just really thought i'd be in a different part of my life by now. i'm trying to let go of that. speaking of that, sometimes i think the universe gives me subliminal messages in odd ways. as i'm writing this i'm listening to cage the elephant. i've always been a huge fan of them, especially after seeing them live two summers ago, but as i wrote that line about trying to let go i realized the name of the song i'm listening to is "ready to let go" if that's not a sign i don't know what is.
i'm ready to let go of a lot of things. ready to let go of the game i play with myself and my mind and the mirror. i'm my own worst enemy. i am not a fan of what i see and who i am. to let go of the constant stress i feel about the unknown. i want to live in the moment, in the present and have so much gratitude for the amazing things and people i'm surrounded by. ready to let go of the need of be connected to the world through social media. i love being connected but i have an addictive personality so i find it very challenging to know where the line or the happy medium is with a lot of things in my life, especially my internet/social media use. i hate how my phone tells me how much time i spend on my phone. that's been a huge wake up call for me. i'm ready to let go of all of this, and to embrace whatever is thrown at me next. i'm trying to let go of so much more too. past feelings i've had for others, the grudges i'm maybe holding i didn't realize i was, fear of things that are out of my control and not worth fearing as i cannot do a damn thing about them.
it's time to focus on the gratitude i have instead of the stress. it's time to take a massive step back from being connected with the world. i'm going to let that process happen slowly. i'm all about linear and sequential-esque things. my birthday is the second last day of the month so i feel like the brand new fresh start of a new month and the beginning of my next trip around the sun seems like the most fitting time to take that graceful step back that i think i so so desperately need. i hope and plan to continue to write, i may just not be posting updates that i have on my social media.
thank you if you've made it this far. these are my thoughts from the sea this week, xo
distracted very soon and this'll all get erased and i'll pretend this never happened but let's give it a go.
i had a shitty week. actually, that's a little harsh. i had a crappy couple of days in what was an overall okay week. but you know those days where it's just like you are so done with everything and everyone and you just don't know how to cope? yeah those ones. that was my friday and i haven't been able to quite shake the feeling off completely. i like to think of myself as an overall happy person. i try not to complain too much. but some days are harder than others to keep my mouth or my thoughts shut.
there's a lot going on in my brain these days: do i apply for my bachelor degree? / am i getting sick because working overnights and then pretending the next day i didn't so i can still have a social life catching up with me? / why oh why do i grit and clench my teeth so much? why can't i hold my stress in some other part of my body that i'm less aware of / why do i always cut my ankles when i'm shaving and why does it still hurt five days later / am i doing the right job? / is this what i want to keep doing? / was my diploma a waste of money? / why am i getting scars from acne at 24 / when did i gain enough weight that i see it in my face / what is going on in my brain that makes me despise my body but also keeps me from really changing anything / thoughts and thoughts and more thoughts.what has to happen to ACTUALLY make a positive change. i help people every day try and make better decisions or give suggestions on how to do so. helping yourself seems like a much bigger, scarier task. am i lazy for not doing much? or is it all just too overwhelming that i just give up before i even attempt to change things. maybe it's the fact that i want to change so many different aspects of my life that it feels unattainable. do i even want to list all of things on here that i want to change? or will that just make me feel depressed.
- lose weight
-get out of debt
-not be obsessed with social media
-have my own living space
-have a daily purpose for something that's bigger than myself
it seems like a small enough list but they're big things. i'm not sure why it feels like i'm having a mid-life crisis. besides the obvious fact that i turn 25 next week. gross. i have never cared about turning an age until now. i just really thought i'd be in a different part of my life by now. i'm trying to let go of that. speaking of that, sometimes i think the universe gives me subliminal messages in odd ways. as i'm writing this i'm listening to cage the elephant. i've always been a huge fan of them, especially after seeing them live two summers ago, but as i wrote that line about trying to let go i realized the name of the song i'm listening to is "ready to let go" if that's not a sign i don't know what is.
i'm ready to let go of a lot of things. ready to let go of the game i play with myself and my mind and the mirror. i'm my own worst enemy. i am not a fan of what i see and who i am. to let go of the constant stress i feel about the unknown. i want to live in the moment, in the present and have so much gratitude for the amazing things and people i'm surrounded by. ready to let go of the need of be connected to the world through social media. i love being connected but i have an addictive personality so i find it very challenging to know where the line or the happy medium is with a lot of things in my life, especially my internet/social media use. i hate how my phone tells me how much time i spend on my phone. that's been a huge wake up call for me. i'm ready to let go of all of this, and to embrace whatever is thrown at me next. i'm trying to let go of so much more too. past feelings i've had for others, the grudges i'm maybe holding i didn't realize i was, fear of things that are out of my control and not worth fearing as i cannot do a damn thing about them.
thank you if you've made it this far. these are my thoughts from the sea this week, xo
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