live & breathe

i was hoping to write more than i did this past week. i definitely thought the thoughts however. i am learning more and more about myself every day and every season. at the same time and in the same breathe though, i feel like i still don't know much. i loved being on the east coast for a visit to my family and some of my closest friends that let's be honest, feel more like family than me actual family. i forever get this feeling when i'm leaving though. this feeling comes for a couple of different reasons. first is probably exhaustion from fitting in too much in a small amount of time when i'm home. i desperately try and see as many people, beaches, and coffee shops i can, but there never seems to be enough time. secondly, i think i put halifax in this bubble in my head that it's perfect and fun. but that's because when i'm visiting, that's exactly what it is. i try and picture myself living there and doing normal everyday life and at this time it just isn't clicking in my brain. and that makes me sad. it makes me sad because i desperately want it to feel like home and to just be there and have fun with my friends. but i have lived there before. it's never that simple and perfect when you're actually there living and not just on vacation. i constantly forget that part. i romanticize brunch with my best

friend every weekend, and drives to the beach at midnight. those are lovely and have been a part of our pastime and they will be in the future too, but there is so much more on our radars now. it's not as simple and care free as it used to be, and i'm learning to be okay with that. this is going to be a ramble of my thoughts if you haven't clued into that. side note: i never go back and edit these. i just write what's in my brain. i put periods in where i would breathe and that's about it. these are the pure raw thoughts coming to you as they're coming to me. okay back to my point, so yeah, learning to be okay with growing up and that currently my best friends from home and i all are living in different cities and provinces. it's cool that we're doing our own things but also feels me with so much sadness that we're not together. i'm really not good at being away with them and it always feels the most hardest when i'm leaving halifax. not gonna lie, i didn't even make it to the highway the other day from downtown halifax and was crying about leaving. picture me in my little car so packed to the brim i couldn't even see out the back window and i had to drive all the way to hamilton. gps says 18 hours but that's a bold face lie if i've ever heard one. so yeah, i'm embarking on this drive and bawling like a little baby. but that drive is therapeutic for me. it gives me a chance to think all of my thoughts and i'm so focused on driving i can't send too many depressing sad texts to my friends saying how much i love and miss them.

so yeah, when i left halifax i was so sad, i always get to about the airport when i'm like.. okay you could turn around and just stay here. but this time, i knew i was going back with purpose, and commitment. one thing you'll learn about me right now if you didn't know before hand is that i do not do commitment well at all. i have signed a lease to live in a house for ONE WHOLE FREAKING YEAR. i also am starting a brand new full time permanent adult ass job tomorrow morning. big things. big fun and scary things that are tying me to hamilton. that's okay, that's okay, that's okay i keep telling myself. and it is. i felt this sign of relief last night when i saw the hamilton sign after my long drive. i'm home. it's been thundering and lightening tonight and i am curled up in my bed listening to music and reflecting on the last week. i am content in my space and my life for the most part. some day are overwhelming as all heck though. i had an anxiety attack when i was home out east because life just felt like too much and i didn't know the answers and i felt like i had no control over anything. i texted the one human who between the two of us, understand each other's experiences with anxiety and how to help each other through it. i blurted out everything that was bothering me. and he simply said okay, now read that again and just focus on what you have control over. so simply but so powerful. it was that reminder to slow the eff down and just pick one thing at a time to focus on and that it's okay to not have control over everything. i constantly get overwhelmed with not having enough time with my loved ones and i need to just enjoy the moments i do get and reminisce on those instead of worrying about the future and the things i cannot foresee. i need to take control of what i can, text the ones i love who aren't here and ask how their day was and remind them i love them. for the ones who are a car drive away it's connecting with them as much as i can.

so the biggest lesson i've given myself the reality check of realizing is that i think i've been surviving

and not thriving (shout out to queer eye for making me think about this harder lol). i feel like i've just been doing the bare minimum to get by some days and some weeks. i always feel like it's a countdown to the next thing. i am declaring that i don't want to have that attitude anymore. i want to focus on the little things of everyday. i want to take note of the things i'm grateful for, and to do more for myself, especially considering my career revolves around all of my time and energy going into looking after others. it's little things that i neglect that i am going to be intentional about doing. like flossing more often and cleaning my car out once a week. it's looking after my skin more and to look into a cheap yoga studio in the area. i'm hoping the little things that i enjoy doing but forgot the importance of them can come back to me and i can enjoy everyday and not wish away my time planning the future when i really have no control. it's enjoying the moment instead of wishing i was somewhere else. it's working hard at my friendships and relationships with those i love who are in different cities. it's loving myself and the process of learning to actually do that and not just say it.

okay, i think that's about it for this week. these are my thoughts from the sea this week, thank you if you've gotten this far. xo