what are you truly hungry for?

for as long as i can remember i have had a negative relationship with food. i grew up with a father who loved me so dearly, to the point of enabling that he would just make me something else to eat if i did not like what was being served for supper. both of my parent's were never huge fruit or vegetable lovers, hence i never had to like them because i never had to try them. it's been about six years of me slowly trying new things and deciding for myself what i like and don't like versus being raised to have never know the difference but masked that as i didn't like things.  so fast forward to now: i still am struggling with food, with body image and knowing to listen to my body instead of my head. i picked up a book this week that talks more about the mindful side of eating properly instead of the specific things to eat. yes i bought a book that explained what to eat too. but there was something about this book surrounding the mind-fullness that has got me thinking differently. so a bit of a back story with how i feel about mindfulness. it has never been something that has come easily to me. i enjoy going to yoga and practicing yoga but the mindful side of being intentional and in the moment is something i have a very hard time with focusing on. i am distracted, i am in my head, i have a busy mind that will not shut off. this book however breaks the mindfulness into different categories,

categories that my busy mind can understand. i won't explain too much about the book in case you'd like to read it for yourself or if this bores you. but the one paragraph that really hit me was as followed: "nourishment comes from many sources. many people use food to nourish themselves when what they are really hungry for is another form of fulfillment. they are looking to fill empty spaces in their lives rather than their stomachs. what if you were living a emotionally, intellectually, physically, psychologically, spiritually socially, and creatively? when your body, mind, and spirit are fully nourished, you can enjoy and savor food for its own sake without relying on it for other needs. you are able to come into mindful balance with food and living."

i loved that. i love looking at food from a deeper meaning and a different view. i feel like i've been having a bit of an existential crisis in my life lately. i fear that i will not get to live enough. that i will die at a young age or that i'm running out of time. it can be hard constantly thinking this way. i am overall a very positive person, but this voice in my head keeps telling me life is short. so when i think life is short, i get stressed and anxious that i haven't lived or loved enough, that i haven't seen the world yet or have become as successful as i intend to. it's a weird place in my brain most days.

i spent some time with some old friends the other night. they are married and play in a band together. when i was watching their set i kept catching them looking at each other as they were playing and smiling at each other while they were playing. this was so cute and so nice to witness. i commented on it later and they explained that life can get overwhelming, or for them they may be in the middle of a set when the venue or the audience doesn't feel quite right and they just want to rush through their set, but then they remind themselves that they love playing and spending time together regardless of their environment and by just grounding themselves during their performance and looking at each other and simply remembering to live in the moment, they enjoy themselves. what a breathe of fresh air to hear something explained so beautifully and simply. live in the moment.

this ties into my food problem. i think i am so lost in other aspects of my life some days that i have always been an emotional eater. when i'm stressed, i would reward myself. if i had a hard day, same thing. and then how do we celebrate? food and drinks. it's a vicious cycle. when i was visiting home recently my parents mentioned how they think they need to start taking their food, health, alcohol intake more seriously. this was such a wake up call for me to hear them say that, but even more so, a wake up call for me. how lucky am i that i am young enough that it's easier to build and break habits and that if i can get a better grip on it now, i hopefully can live a full and healthy life, the one thing i'm so terrified of not getting. so this is me telling you that i am changing my mindset towards food. i know i will have days that are hard, and days i want to celebrate. i am not going to deprive myself of the things i love. i for sure had pizza and beer yesterday with my friends after a long week. but i'm
not going to do that tonight. it's everything in moderation, it's knowing what foods to remove from my diet knowing that i feel better without, and learning what things to add to my meals because they fill me with the energy i need to do my job successfully. it's learning to find that fulfillment in other aspects of my life instead of just my stomach. it's learning to celebrate with friends who are struggling and attempting to also feel and be better to find ways of spending time together without overindulging.

i am tired of hating what i see in the mirror. i want to find confidence in myself. i want to feel better. i want to be healthier. i am writing this in attempt to put all of my thoughts somewhere. i am going to do my best to just overall make better decisions, one day and one moment at a time. i have been listening to a podcast called healthy is hot, where one of my idols hosts a conversation between her and someone who's living their best life by their own definition of what healthy is hot means to them. listening to this podcast has also inspired me to find my own definition of what being healthy is hot is and how to achieve my goals. we live in a time where so much support is right at our fingertips from books, to blogs, podcasts and the able to connect so instantly with others who understand what we're talking about.

thank you if you've gotten this far, these are my thoughts from the sea for this week, xo