minutes and moments.

a common thought of mine is the overwhelming one that i am not living my life to it's fullest potential, that i'm missing out on something, that i haven't embraced enough. maybe this is because i am a self professed, empath, or that my love of life and of other people is so strong it makes me sad about not having them around, can be debilitating at times. ironic as that's quite the opposite to living your fullest life so if i'm aware of it - why can't i change it? i shouldn't be sad about things that have ended yet, i should be excited for all that's yet to happen. i'm working on this i swear, but maybe not as hard as i should be - or know that i could.

i try and do simple little things everyday, or take a second to appreciate the little things. like this past week/weekend. i woke up one day and had coffee and face-timed one of my best friends from my home province, i then had breakfast delivered to me from another best friend who is getting freaking married next month and apparently loves me or something because i get to be her maid of honour. that night i got to spend a couple hours under the stars and patio lights drinking sangria with two of my most loved humans. that day was great. and this past weekend i slept in a tent, made fancy camp drinks and spent the day by the water with one of my best friends in the world. i feel so honoured and blessed to have such amazing humans in my life. the ones who listen to what i'm sure sounds like nonsense about the musings in my brain. they keep me grounded, they keep me sane. i just wish my humans all lived closer to each other. as cheesy as it sounds, there are little pieces of my heart scattered all over the country. from northern alberta, to new brunswick, from vancouver to nova scotia. i love so many people in so many different ways. i have different people for different things. i truly truly feel so damn thankful for all of them. so why do i still feel lonely at times? is it because at the end of the day most of them have significant others and i don't? or is it because i constantly compare myself to where my friends are and i just don't feel like i'm in the same part of life as they are. yeah i'm working in a field i enjoy - but is this it? am i going to be doing this forever now? what about the hopes and dreams i used to have that i feel surfacing again? do i pursue those even though i'm already in so much student loan debt? i wish the answers were clear. my day to day job is helping people navigate their lives and help guide them to answers - so why can't i tell myself what i need?

maybe there isn't one end all be all thing that i need. maybe it's a compilation of many things. i am a complex person emotionally, but a simple simple person when it comes to my needs. i live and thrive for the simple, peaceful moments in life. like the sun setting over one of the great lakes, or my neighbours house. getting to drink coffee every morning, either on the way to work, with my co workers, or with my friends on weekends (or sometimes weeknights when i know better than to do that) maybe i don't need much in life, and that's ok. more than ok. i need to remember that it doesn't take much to please me, or to make me feel content. i just need to spend more minutes and moments in my day remembering those. like calling my loved ones more ( i am so sorry about this, i truly am bad at this and keeping in touch, but that doesn't mean i don't think about everyone, almost every day). remembering my purpose in life and that it's okay to have more than one purpose and that it's okay if tuesdays purpose is different than fridays. 


i am looking forward to this next season that we are all just about to embark on. the weather is getting warmer, which means the chilly burden we were hiding under all winter is being removed just like the winter blankets being replaced with lighter ones. everything feels better in summer, so i'm hoping i will too. i am trying so hard to be okay with not knowing what my future holds a year from now. i have signed a lease and i move the beginning of july - i am so excited - it's walking distance from many of my favourite places and people. i've always felt like i've lived in other peoples space (thank you for this - you know who you all are. i wouldn't be where i am without the help of family and friends who have become family) i am looking forward to have a place to call my own, at least for a year. to hopefully become better at my current job, and to continue to look into if i want to get more education. 

on top of all those things that are going to take a lot of work in some capacities i also want to focus on becoming stronger. physically, and hopefully as a side effect, mentally as well. to put myself first this summer. to work my butt off, pay off some debt, but drink wine and sleep in when i can too. i think this summer is going to be about balance. the balance between becoming the person i want to be, but loving the person i am along the way too. i've always been very very hard on her. i am stuck with me, so i know i need to be nicer to myself. five year old me would be very sad to hear or know the horrible things i tell myself on a daily basis. sometimes i actually feel my insides turn when i see pictures of myself because i hate what i see. i want to love her. i want to be proud of her because even if she's thicker in certain spots, she's the only one i have and the only thing i truly will ever have. so sorry for those who are cringing at my back and forth of the different tenses i just used in this paragraph. i want to become proud of my outer self, and to continue to work on my inner self too. i know these are jumbled thoughts this week, but this is all i have. 

i am currently reading a book all about the cozy things in life. whether that's looking at your plants every morning and watching them grow, or drinking out of the same mug every day. or sleeping in the same part of your bed. the book is reminding me that there is cozy and comfort in everything, sometimes i just have to look a little harder and to enjoy the dang journey and stop romanticizing this final destination i've craved for so long that i'm learning doesn't really exist. 


the simple things keeping me grounded this past week into this week are:

- watching a best friend dance in the car to his current favourite song
-seeing a  best friends pictures in texts that she finally got to see my beloved home province
-getting the text from a best friend he got to play on the stage of my favourite bar/venue
-watching a best friend talk about her wedding and how the day is going to unfold
-someone told me how much they love my laugh
-the random stranger in the restaurant who complimented my tattoos
-that my most simple and best piece of advice - remember to breathe - helped myself and someone else this week
-that my roommates daughter calls me auntie and is so excited to see me every time i come home and i hope to always have someone that happy to see me
-the anticipation of seeing live music this summer
- bacon tastes so much better when cooked over a campfire 
-my current city has so many cool coffee shop
-plant shopping with co workers turned friends is a form of self care
-having friends in the same city whose family also lives elsewhere is important to be there for each other 
-phone calls with friends from college who just getttttt the shit you're dealing with at work are extremely underrated and extremely appreciated


thank you if you've gotten this far - these are my thoughts for the week. 

p.s if you're ever thinking about maybe writing but are nervous about being honest and vulnerable - reach out! i have had some amazing chats and new connections from people in my life who i never thought i would because of this blog. the blog doesn't have to be fancy, heck i barely even edit mine. it's raw, it's my thoughts, and i love sharing my words but i equally love reading others thoughts. sometimes it's just a simple way of communicating with others something along the lines of, "i know what you're going through, you're not alone, you're not crazy, you're human and we all experience things like this."

okay okay that's it for now - xo