honest hour.
okay everyone. i'm gonna be honest... the last month and a half? my least favourite... in a very long time, it's been a weird couple of months really, but like we're talking YEARS since i've felt like this.
the reason i am sharing something so vulnerable with the internet, is because of the people i know who are reading this. the ones who have reached out over the last year or so because they related to something i have written about. this little blog of mine has given me connections to people i never thought i would. i am so thankful for this. i wish i was a better writer, and wrote more. but for now, i am happy of what i have communicated and the conversations that have come from this. i thank everyone who has read what i've shared, for those who have reached out with suggestions, empathy, and sympathy.
hope is my favourite word. i want everyone to know what this feels and looks like. it's been a little foggy lately in my own head to remember that i'm allowed to have hope too. sometimes you have to hit almost rock bottom to get that push to head back on up. it has not been an easy fall. i feel like i completely missed october and that makes me sad because it's always been my absolute favourite month. we have just over two months left of THIS DECADE. what the heck. i intend to use these next two months to truly focus on my inner voice and what she needs and wants. if this means i miss some social events, i am truly sorry. i love my friends so much but i also know the amazing people in my life understand me and respect me if they don't understand me. they give no judgments which has allowed me the capacity to be honest about this. i may miss some things, i may not seem as present. it won't be for long, but i promise you it's necessary and i encourage everyone to check in with themselves and maybe take a step back and reflect upon what it is you believe you may need for yourself.
it has not been easy at all.
at the risk of sounding super cheesy, it has started to get easier by one big, scary step of courage i had to take. i had to admit that i'm not okay, but i know i will be. once i said the words to someone besides my own inner critic and voice, it immediately felt like the flood gates had opened. i feel extremely fortunate and a little overwhelmed by the amount of pure, good love i have in my love. i have the most supportive friends and family. people who check in when i need them to. people who check in even when i don't realize i need them to. best friends who make me tea and lay in bed with me and listen to me talk. best friends who make me supper and show up at my door with my favourite chips. best friends from high school who call and talk about life on a sunday morning. people who will play endless rounds of games. good conversations, you know the ones where your soul just feels so cozy, warm and content when you go home after them? yeah, those conversations. i had a bunch of them this week. the timing couldn't have been more perfect and needed.
i have been in my own head a lot lately. so i apologize to all of those who may feel like i've been distant. you're right. i probably have. sometimes when i'm dealing with stuff i tend to isolate myself without even realizing that's what i've done.
the reason i am sharing something so vulnerable with the internet, is because of the people i know who are reading this. the ones who have reached out over the last year or so because they related to something i have written about. this little blog of mine has given me connections to people i never thought i would. i am so thankful for this. i wish i was a better writer, and wrote more. but for now, i am happy of what i have communicated and the conversations that have come from this. i thank everyone who has read what i've shared, for those who have reached out with suggestions, empathy, and sympathy.
struggling isn't easy. whether it's mental or physical. life is really fucking precious and we don't know how much of it we have so i think it's so important for people to take care of theirselves so they can spend their time living the absolute fullest lives they can. i am a bit of a hypocrite when it comes to this... i am a huge advocate of everyone else looking after themselves and checking in with them to see how they're feeling.. part is because i truly care so deeply for others and i do not want anyone to feel any type of suffering. the other part is maybe more selfish.. if i focus on others needs and concerns, i can just keep shoving down my issues further into my stomach and ignore them. i am done ignoring them. if anything i've been feeling things so much lately it feels the polar opposite of what i've been used to.
hope is my favourite word. i want everyone to know what this feels and looks like. it's been a little foggy lately in my own head to remember that i'm allowed to have hope too. sometimes you have to hit almost rock bottom to get that push to head back on up. it has not been an easy fall. i feel like i completely missed october and that makes me sad because it's always been my absolute favourite month. we have just over two months left of THIS DECADE. what the heck. i intend to use these next two months to truly focus on my inner voice and what she needs and wants. if this means i miss some social events, i am truly sorry. i love my friends so much but i also know the amazing people in my life understand me and respect me if they don't understand me. they give no judgments which has allowed me the capacity to be honest about this. i may miss some things, i may not seem as present. it won't be for long, but i promise you it's necessary and i encourage everyone to check in with themselves and maybe take a step back and reflect upon what it is you believe you may need for yourself.
today marks four months until i turn 26... holy fuck. gross. i am such a sucker for new beginnings. i think in the past i haven't given these things proper time to adjust, or i put too many expectations on them and it falters. so for me, i am giving myself this next quarter to learn more about who i am, what i am, what i need and who i want to continue working hard to be.
thank you if you've gotten this far... these are my thoughts from the sea for this week, xo.
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