patience

as always, take this with a grain of salt and acknowledging that i am super aware of my privilege:


day 7 of self isolation: wooooooooooo

who's with me? what a weird time guys eh??? if i had a quarter for every time i said that or have heard it i might have enough rent money to pay off my lease in ontario.

so i have never felt more in flux - with my location and my emotions. one day i'll be like "ok, this isn't the worst.. i have food, shelter and my health and there are much bigger, scarier things out there" other days i can't stop crying because of the state of the world, my own reality and have so much anxiety the only thing that rids it is a nice afternoon nap. it's been a very very very weird time. 

i know you probably don't want to read another thing about the virus right now - i'm with you on that one - but i also am here to say sometimes writing it all out is the most therapeutic thing i can do - get all the feelings out without bothering my friends or family with my emotions, get em out, process them, learn to move forward. then it's up to whoever wants to read this if they want to and i don't feel like i'm putting my energy, the good and the bad on my loved ones without their consent.

so i was originally planning on moving back to the east coast before the global pandemic but it just sped up my timeline, and life plan A LOT. i won't lie, i have been struggling with not feeling selfish and sorry for myself during this time. which are very hard emotions for me. i am a huge empath and feel everyone else's emotions so deeply. i just left a job as a case manager at a homeless shelter where my focus for the last year has been everyone else's emotions, constantly putting my own on the back burner. i feel guilty for being home and not working. i feel antsy trying to fill my days with activities to ensure my mental health doesn't do a downward spiral. i feel so much uncertainty of what the future holds. i am a planner and dreamer - a global pandemic is not great for obvious reasons, and it's teaching me how much patience i don't have, but need to find. 

i have seen so many posts about how people are being productive and working from home and doing home projects - just a needed reminder, for myself, and maybe for you - it's okay if you're not productive... it's okay if you nap twice a day, it's okay if you're scared, it's okay if nothing has changed. we are going through a global transition - this is probably the most insync we have been with each other in our lifetime, which feels weird to say as nothing feels right - but hey, LITERALLY everyone else feels this weird flux too. some days i feel so calm and chill others i seriously cannot stop crying - i am trying to be patient with myself, with my family, with my friends. we all handle crisis different and that's more than okay! we are learning, we are growing, we are evolving even if it feels like shit. 

my first week of self isolation has been long. when i first returned to NS we weren't in state of emergency - we are now - they have tightened the provincial border, they have closed parks and beaches and have implemented a new rule if you have been out of province recently you must do the mandatory 14 days of self isolation - so i am doing my part by staying on my parents property as much as it sucks, IT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT ABOUT ME.

for me, making a safe, comfortable space that is completely mine - helps with my anxiety and feels of the unknown. i re-did my teenage bedroom this week to make it feel more fitting for the current stage of life i'm in 


i am still going to dream, i'm still going to plan - i just know i can't put deadlines and timelines on those plans. 

i want a job in my field i like, i want my own apartment/home, i want a dog, i want the world to heal, i want to feel at peace, i have a lot of wants, and i know that. i know at the same time, we have to stay at home to protect everyone else and ourselves. whether it's enjoyable or not, know we will get through this, it does suck, it is shitty, i will not lie. but the sun comes out every morning, the birds and other animals are still breathing and moving and blissfully have no idea what's going on. as pessimistic as i have felt this week i am doing my best to find at least one good thing about each day. 

this sucks, did i say that? for so many reasons i don't need to explain. have patience and grace for yourself and i will do my best to do so as well.

i have made this little east coast playlist of some of my favourite east coast songs to embrace being home even in a scary time. i look forward to going to the beach, the slower pace that comes with living on this peninsula instead of southern ontario, i will write more about those specific feelings later this week if i feel up to it. 

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4eaTNIPFFtufql2cLODSJK

we are not alone, you are not alone, we will get through this, i am sending all of my cooped up love.

these are my thoughts from the sea this week, thank you if you've made it this far, xo