august 27

 that was then, and this is now. i feel like a completely different person.

something that hasn't changed much is my writing style. i just have so many things in my head, all the time. it's cathartic to have this space to get it out, without editing much, or overthinking it. just letting it out. i did a writing prompt from rupi kaur's healing through words book this morning. the first exercise, i am so happy i did it as i think that's what ignited my creativity to write in this space again. i bought the book as a christmas present to myself last year, and regrettably only opened it today. if that gives you any context on how busy this year has been so far. during the first exercise she explains it's freewriting exercise. write it down whether it makes sense or not, so that's what you're getting here too. 

i can't believe how long it's been since i wrote in this space. it feels like a lifetime ago, and in ways, it really was. december 2020, we were very much at the depth of well, everything. i opened my last post and it pretty much started with we don't really need to go over the dumpster fire that was 2020, i still concur. 

while age is merely a number, and it really wasn't THAT long ago. the girl who wrote in 2020 was 26, just north of when my brain was fully developed. it's pretty cool to reflect back and have the introspection to know how i would have reacted to something even when i wrote my last post, is completely different than how i would now. science eh? i mean, i think we are always learning, growing, developing, learning our morals and ethics and what's worth having emotions over, and what is not worth the fight, or what mountains are the ones we're going not going to die on. i by no means think i'm at my peak emotional intelligence, there are still things that piss me off or make me sad more than they should, but it's a life learning process.

your 20's are SUCH a weird time. i think that goes without being said, we've all heard it, read about it, talked about it. you and your friends are most likely all at very different stages of life. the friends you have now may not be the same ones you anticipated or thought you'd have. entering my 20's i just wanted to be with my friends and doing things with people all the time. i turned 20 in mexico while doing a gap year program. it was a remarkable way to enter a new decade. i'm so thankful that from that experience i got one of the best things i still feel underserving of. i got the absolute best soul sister of a human being, the gasoline to my fire kinda friend. the one who held me at one of the deepest parts of my depression and anxiety with a warm embrace that made me feel the most protected i ever have. there are not enough words to describe my love for her and her friendship. she is my person. i'm getting extremely off topic, let's get back to it. 

thats the segway to the other reason i feel inspired to write and share today. as i started to reflect on our 20's above, it's because i'm feeling reflective. today is my half birthday. i know that sounds silly right. some people don't even like having one birthday and i'm trying to have two? not necessarily.. well maybe that's a lie. i have two main reasons why since last year i have started to put my own personal empahasis on the 1/2 birthday. 

first and foremost, when you grow up with a february birthday, it kinda sucks. you can only have so many sledding parties as a kid, and as a teen and young adult it always feel like it landed around the time of year when families were going down south on vacation. we didn't have enough money growing up for that kind of vacation. and then i would see big groups of friends going to all inclusives together. i never felt like i had enough friends to do that kind of thing, and the ones who i would want to do that with, we all lived and continue to live in different areas of the country, and different stages of life to make that happen. this wasn't my point to make it sound like a poor me, sob story on having a birthday at a shitty time of year, i guess it kind of was, but just some context and backstory on why august is clearly better than february. for everyone really. 

my other reason behind being intentional with having "me time" or reflection time today, especially this year; it's the halfway mark to another age, another year. didn't love how you spent the first half of this age? ok, change it, you have the exact amount of time left, let's be glass is half full here people! i love fresh starts, each month, sunday, year, day can be a fresh start if you want it to. for me, it's the mark of six months left of my 20's. what. the. heck. i have very conflicting feelings about this. almost everyone i have received advice, comments, thoughts from, say that your 30's are way better. phew. okay. i like that idea and concept better than the internal dread of never having my 20's back. i shared this with a close friend, he had a better outlook than me. that he's ready to be done with the 20's. how weird and awkward and forming these years have been. the new version of going through puberty and the teens. it felt similar, just with adult money and responsibilities and feelings. that the next decade is truly ours for whatever we want it to be.

how exciting and privileged are we to look forward to another decade of being more set in who we are, what we want, what we don't. 

having boundaries, and not being sorry for it. 

i'm working on that. 

that's exactly what these next six months are for. tuning and honing into, well, me. i have been on a what you could a call weight loss journey, hm, i don't love that, let's try transitioning into a healthier version of myself. i am proud of the goals i've hit already this year, but more than ever do i feel motivated to truly be the best version of me. wow that's hella cheesy, but my goodness it's the truth. I’m six weeks out from my first “5km race” i don’t like calling it that because i’m not in it to win, or beat others. It’s a race with myself, against myself to prove to myself that i can do it. 

it started with eating things that are better for me, but still enjoying a good bag of potato chips and a rum and coke and not feeling guilty or bad for it. to wanting to actually say i can run a 5km instead of saying it's on my bucket list, or someday i want to run a 5km. well, i've hit that goal. i still don't believe it. i can't believe i can run for 30+ minutes, without stopping, and the craziest part, that i enjoy it?! but i don't want to stop there. i want to be the strongest version of myself, i want to run faster and more confident. i want to be so focused, there are no external distractions. to improve the relationship i have with myself, so that i am so full of love that i can pour it into others. i've always done this backwards. i want to give all of what i have to others, to make them happy, to take their pain away. this isn't my job, i can assist, but this can't be the main focus. this is how i have gotten burnt out in the past. 

i want to be in my do not disturb, setting boundaries, being selfish in the best way possible, because i am privileged to still have the opportunity to be selfish and do whatever the heck i want. 

sitting here as 29 year old me, i have learned so much in the last ten years. i have had so many tremendous experiences. california, new york, the rocky mountains, haiti, yukon and so many amazing places in between. i have water bottles filled with stickers from the places and adventures i've experienced. sometimes it's overwhelming and i feel tired for myself thinking about all i've done and accomplished, but really i think it's overwhelming gratitude for what i've had. i've had my struggles, and will continue to have them i'm sure. but i feel more equipped to take things head on than ever. i want to knock the next 6 months outta the park and welcome 30 with a warm embrace, a hug and a quirky comment about how i've been waiting for you. so yeah, there's no cake or presents today, that's not what i'm talking about when i say i'm celebrating my half birthday. i'm just saying, it's august, the sun is out, i have energy underneath my wings to go be the strongest version yet, mentally and physically. time to focus, “bury distractions & water intentions and go” 

thank you if you've made it this far, these are my thoughtsfromthesea as a 29 and a half year old.