i'll try my best.

I love the idea of lifestyle blogs. Of a safe place to get all the words out i'm thinking and feeling. From career decisions, life decisions, lack of relationship decisions. All of the decisions I feel lingering on my soul right now. A place to share my monthly intentions. There's a quote that goes something like, don't tell people your goals and plans, just do them. I, on the other hand, need some accountability or I will never follow through with those goals, dreams, and plans. I need to write it down to make an intention to follow through. 

I'll try my best comes from the song Cardiac Arrest by the Bad Suns, if you've never heard it, you should. It's a catchy, beachy song. Besides that though, it's been my mantra for the last couple weeks and will continue to be through the rest of this year as i'm in school full time until the end of October. I'm going to try my best, in school, in looking after myself, in putting thought into who I put my time into. To be aware of who is not worth the time, when I need to say no and not feel bad about it. 

Thursday I spent the evening in the hospital. Truly not a big deal, i'm fine, and like actually fine. Not the type you say to your significant other when you're pissed off at them. I didn't even want to go to the hospital. I however couldn't look up, down, or sideways without throwing up. I have never felt so lightheaded in my life.

The timing was very interesting.

I think my body was seriously telling me to f*ck off and to look after MYSELF and only myself for a while. 

I quit my job. I gave the proper two weeks notice and my body was aching to be done. It was an OK, minimum wage coffee shop job. I felt pretty cool being a barista, but those few moments of making yummy drinks for people (sometimes REALLY gorgeous nice people, shout out to the tall blonde with the Iceland shirt on who drinks his double americanos black - you are my soulmate) were not worth the stress and anticipation that turned into anxiety, before every shift. 
This is where the interesting timing comes into play. 
So I had finished my last shift at work, came home and my body just decided it was not okay and wasn't going to be okay. After 20 hours of things leaving my body on it's own accord (I will spare you the gory details) I decided I indeed, needed to go to the hospital. Good thing too, the nursed looked at me, asked me my symptoms, and then came back five minutes later and hooked me up to an IV... 
I hate needles. I hate needles so much when I was a little girl it took the doctor, who was a large man, and my father to pull me out from under the doctors desk because I was so scared to get a needle. I still have that mentality deep down I just try to not think about it because i'm 24 and should be able to get a needle without be hysterical. I hated it. Hated it so much. I also hated the fact that my body was so worn down and exhausted and dehydrated that I even needed an IV. I couldn't even look at my phone without throwing up. Even though I would continue to do so. Screw being a millennial who's attached to their phone, i'll be the first to admit I need to work on that one.  

So truly the moral of this rambling story of mine is the importance of self care. It has been ingrained into my brain over the last 10 months of my college experience. Every guest speaker, rehab case worker, and teacher we've had has told me the importance of this. I always used to think self care was simply a bubble bath and watching a movie. I'm learning now it's so much more than that. It's going to bed early so you can get up and go to the gym before school so you have enough energy for your day. It's saying no to going out with friends so you can be alone. It's saying yes to going out with your friends so you won't be alone. It's knowing yourself deeply enough to know what you need, and the process is learning how to get what you need. We are all at different parts of this process but I urge you to do it. Regardless of your school program, your job, your career, your relationships with others. 

For me, over the last couple months it's been being selfish. It's about not committing to too much. I unfortunately figured this one out of the hard way and had to stop doing a lot of different things because I could feel the anxiety, the burn out, the overwhelming feeling in my body that was telling me to slow down. I think spending the evening in the hospital was kind of the last straw for me on not looking after myself. I have no job now, my only focus is school and myself. There's no excuse. It's being selfish with no negative connotation. I believe firmly that I am at a point in my life where I have no attachments, no real commitments. So this is the season in my life where I can be utterly selfish and not give one damn about feeling bad about it. 


So this brings me back to the point where I need this blog to hold me accountable. Or to be able to be honest with myself, and whoever is reading this (I hope at least 3 people read this) I want to try and do these simple simple things.



-keep my room a clean, positive environment. no clutter in my room = no clutter in my mind

-falling in love with exercise more (I joined the gym by my school a couple months ago and now with no job I have no excuse to not spend my time there. my new job is looking after my body

-drink the damn water - no more hospital trips 

-stop self sabotaging - it feels good in the moment, but long term it f*cking sucks

-become more financially responsible 

-talk openly and bravely about the things that hurt in hopes that someone else can take solace they are not alone 

-graduate, and sort of actually become an adult 

-write a blog post about all of these things and more to give me a space to write about the things going on in my life


thank you if you've made it this far, these are my thoughts from the sea for this week. xo