26

February 28, 2020

26

this has been written over a couple days this week...

in three minutes it’ll be my last day of being 25. what in the heck. where did the time go and what am i doing with my life? a common thought i’ve had over the last year and one i know lots of my friends have thought too. i am sitting here on my night shift at the women’s shelter i’ve spent almost the last year working at as a case manager. i’ll be perfectly honest, 25, not at all what i expected or wanted. i have had that societal and personal pressure on myself since i was a teenager that i thought my shit would be together by 25. i am here to tell you with all of my pride at risk, that couldn’t have been further from the truth. i am not at my goal weight, i still don’t have a boyfriend, a dog or cat, or a house or the vehicle i really want. i have been harder on myself in the last year than other years. i have struggled with my own mental health more than i ever have while trying to assist clients at work with their own mental health. i have experienced ptsd, vicarious trauma and burn out from my job while loving what i do all at the same time. i lost a close family member, i missed my family, i made new friends, i self-sabotaged, a lot. i feel like i drank too much, ate too much, but found pockets of hope and laughter with my friends and reassurance through my family. i distanced myself from a lot of people without meaning to, i do apologize for this but i also am currently in the learning stages of knowing i absolutely do not need to justify my actions and behaviors to people who do not understand me. i will gladly sit down over coffee or tea with anyone who cares enough and knows me on a level that will not take my distance personally and will understand that this past year has been my first full one in a field that has an astronomically high burn out and turnover rate, and to be honest, it’s been all i can do to keep my head above water some days. i have a lot of pride, and stubbornness. i didn’t want to be one of those people who burned out so quickly and so soon after starting in this social service field. i have been struggling with my own battles and demons and have absolutely no doubt in my mind that this next year, this next trip around the sun will be better. better for so so many reasons. i am a sucker for a fresh start, and any excuse to get one. so to me, turning another age, one that scares me, seems like a great time to be honest. i just took a two month break from social media. it felt good. My screen time went down. i slept better. i did not worry about what i was missing in the electronic world, and i still kept in touch with those i love without apps.

it is now the 26^th and i’m turning 26 tomorrow. i would like to say i’m not putting too much pressure on myself, but i probably am. i constantly compare myself to my friends who seem to have it all together and how i just feel like all i’ve ever done is dreamt of that day when it felt like i was content with my life. I have moved many many times, I have tried new jobs, I have met so many amazing, cool people who will forever have an impact on my life. this is another aspect that i’m learning to try to not care if others judge my lifestyle of the constant need to move and go. i don’t know what it is i’m chasing or if i’ll ever find it. but i also feel free. free in the sense that i get to live in a country where i can easily move and have access to health care, that i get to choose between two cities that i love both dearly that are both filled with people i love.

i think the biggest lesson and thing ive learnt about myself in this last year is as much as i truly love so many people, their opinions at the end of the day, can’t influence who i want to become and what i want to chase. to take advice with a grain of salt, but do what i believe in my heart and gut to be true. cue the cheesy stuff, here is 26 things i’ve realized, learned, advice i’ve been given or received or appreciated this far in life so far. 26 things i want to pass on to whoever is reading this at whatever age:

call your parents. they don’t know your schedule and don’t know when they should call you. they’ve done so much for you over the years, just call them.
being an extrovert for most of your life but then becoming more of an introvert isn’t something you have to justify to your friends. just remember not to isolate yourself too much.
cheese and espresso are the best breakfast
being able to say no as much as you say yes will be liberating
no matter how many times you re-watch friends, it’s still funny.
putting your own needs ahead of others isn’t selfish, it’s crucial
laying on the floor and listening to shakey graves can be a form of meditation
your people will love you unconditionally even if you fall off the deep end for a little bit
love and spend as much time with your grandparents as you possibly can, they won’t be here forever and neither will you
don’t regret any of your tattoos, they are memories of who you used to be
it’s okay to be allergic to certain types of wine.. it just means you have to test out more and find your favourite
if people want to be in your life, they will show up
it’s necessary to take breaks from social media for long periods of time.. reconnect and develop yourself FOR yourself, not for the world
find the balance between paying off debt and still having fun. you can’t live your whole life trying to pay off bills.
save pictures, quotes, recipes, anything with words and characters from relatives and friends. Write everything down you don’t want to forget
trust your gut and your intuition - see things as accomplishments, never failures. (I asked a few close friends if they could think of things pertaining to me when they think of things they’ve learned and NUMEROUS friends said trusting your gut) you gut will never lead you astray
when trying to make a decision, ask yourself where you stand on a scale of 1-4 - that way you really know - there’s no real 50-50 you know in your head - you can’t be a 3
a bag of chips can be a meal and never feel guilty for that
beers on a rooftop in mexico will always be a good idea and something you will look back on for years and years to come - embrace those moments when they happen because they are over before you know it and you’ll never know when you’ll be back there
sometimes people are not who they seem to be - true colours will always come out - being a girl and being in charge is not easy but it’s worth speaking your mind, even if they let you go
take the job, move to the new city on a whim, try it out, travel, just do it
campfires with friends, is always therapeutic
some people will be in your life no matter the distance/time passed and that those are the people you want to keep around forever – some people aren’t worth it, and some people really really are
plan self care – you cannot passively take care of yourself, it has to be intentional
remember to breathe
take the time you need for your own needs - learning to put yourself first by learning your limits and doing what’s best for you and that your own needs are so important

it’s now the day after my birthday. i didn’t really like 25. maybe i put too much pressure on it. but i am ready to embrace what’s next, my next trip around the sun, time with my family and friends, new experiences, being comfortable and pushing myself as well.

i have so many amazing people in my support system and i wouldn’t be here without them. i am currently laying on a cozy king size bed in an air bnb i have rented for the weekend with someone of my closest friends. i am thankful to listen to their chatter downstairs and the anticipation of a weekend on the coast, breathing in the coastal air and thinking about what i want this next trip around the sun to entail.

these are my thoughts from the sea on what my 26 years so far have taught me. sending so much love, thank you if you’ve gotten this far, xo

if the format is wonky, i am editing this on my phone