you're own your own kid

 feb 24, 2024

i put taylor swift you’re own your own kid on. it’s been in my head all day. i warned my friends i would be nostalgic, emotional and sentimental this weekend. my last one in my twenties. if you're not familiar with the song, it gives you the picture of the struggles and coming of age feels,

 'cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned

everything you lose is a step you take

so make the friendship bracelets

take the moment and taste it

you've got no reason to be afraid

you're on your own, kid

yeah, you can face this

you're on your own, kid

you always have been

 

it’s bittersweet and melancholic, and those are the two emotions and feelings that have been coming up a lot lately. i have a fickle heart, i always have. it’s the one that’s made decisions over my head many times in the last decade, from moving half way across the country, not once, or twice, but three times. the fickle heart in me keeps wavering between being excited for what’s next, and so deeply sad for what i’m leaving behind. i know age is a number, it doesn’t really matter, and people have reminded me of that. but i also think it’s more than okay to embrace it, and feel it. not everyone gets to be so lucky to get as many birthdays as others, so you best bet i will soak up all of my feels for it and not feel guilty for sharing them. one thing i’ve learned the last couple of years is the solace and company i have found in similar souls. that sharing my words, thoughts, and feelings has given someone else something to resonate too. that’s always been my goal. to give people hope, to touch at least one person when i can.. i entered this decade in a gap year, living in mexico with what would become one of my most meaningful, beautiful friendships i could have ever asked for, every single day i think i am not lucky enough to have her. during the gap year while not in mexico, i was sharing my life story with students across canada. seems super surreal now, how could anything i had to say at 20 mean anything to those kids? but i do remember, sharing on stage about my struggles how i so deeply wished i would have heard someone speak when i was younger, when i switched that narrative and thought, there’s a chelsea in every crowd who needs to hear what you have to say, you could change someone's life without even knowing, that narrative has stuck with me today when i share my bits and bobs of the words and thoughts in my mind. so even days when that person i might be effecting is only me, that’s good enough. so if you’re still here and reading, i appreciate you more than you could possibly know. 

 

i have friends who are posting pictures of their children on their social media, their birthdays, the milestones, and all the in between while i sit on the floor by the stove rummaging through dusty old photos boxes i took from my parents home on christmas eve, looking at pictures of myself, from all the years. they look at their children, i’m looking at myself. does that make me selfish? perhaps. nostalgic? you bet. sentimental and emotional about a new decade, yes. not good or worse or bad. just feelings. 

i have had a sentimental weekend looking through photos of the past, of little me, young, naive, and just soaking up and living life to it’s fullest always, this is something i have tried to do for my entirety so far. 

i keep going back and forth between being so sad about leaving all of the wonderful experiences, people, memories, feelings, emotions, sunsets in california,, snowstorms in the middle of northern new brunswick with my best friend, white knuckling the steering wheel looking for a place to stay for the night, how stressful that was then, but now it’s a fond memory of time spent with one of my loved ones. 

 

feb 27, 2024

in january, i reached out to a number of women who have impacted my life in the last decade or even longer to share a piece of advice, words of wisdom, etc. that i could read on my birthday and take with me into my 30th year. it felt weird to reach out and ask to receive something. this is something i struggle with, is asking for help. i am sometimes painfully to a fault independent, and i have always prided myself on this fact. but as i am taking a nice slow birthday morning, it’s been so lovely to take my time and read the letters and reflect. i read a couple in the tub this morning, a couple before i fell asleep last night just after the clock turned 12. i may be super stubborn but told myself i had to go for a birthday run, it is currently -33 in calgary, but i did it. a year ago, the version of me that existed, never in a million years would have thought i would want to go for a birthday run, let alone do it when it’s this cold out. but i did it. i have grown so much over the last year, i am truly so proud of who i am becoming and who i am today. don’t get me wrong, i do not have everything evenly closely remotely figured out. i still am insecure, i get jealous over things i shouldn’t, i second guess things. but if there’s one thing i’ve learned, and have learned today reading through these letters is that we really do have to just do what is best for us. it might be uncomfortable in the moment sometimes, it might hurt, even break my own heart, but looking out for me, is what i have to do. 

 

march 18, 2024

the last year i have started to look after me in a completely different way than i truly ever have. i have struggled with my weight for as long as i can remember. i remember always feeling like the bigger, ugly, hard to love friend in any group i was in. it was extremely isolating for a very long time and to be honest, the narrative in my head around this topic still is. i have lost almost 80 pounds since the end of last march. it’s been hard, lonely, and so wonderful all at once. i got tired of feeling like shit all of the time, of getting sick, of getting winded walking, of never feeling confident in my own skin. i was so focused on living my life and every moment in my 20’s, which i do not regret, but when the clock was getting closer to 30, i knew i needed to make a change, i was starting to get scared about my health. it’s been a fucking roller coaster of a ride my dudes. i look at old pictures and i know i haven’t unpacked everything i feel in my gut when i look at how i looked, and can see through the surface and remember how i felt. i have always felt like i have been a good friend, family member, and employee have constantly put others needs ahead of mine. this past year was mine. to focus on me, and what i needed. the last couple of weeks i have felt like i have been getting slack and getting distracted again by external stressors, people and feelings that i know shouldn’t give the time or space. for my 30th birthday i decided to give myself the ultimate gift of accountability to myself on continuing to better my physical and mental health by signing up for a half marathon. running has provided me a sanctuary i never knew i needed until i started. the wonders it has done for not only my physical health, but how it has given me the release to look after my mental health, has literally been life changing. 

all of this rambling to say. i look at pictures of little chelsea, and i hope she would be proud of who she’s become. i know i am proud of where i am today, i know i have more work to do, but i welcome it as a positive challenge, not a punishment to my old self. she was just doing the best with what she could at the time. i hope if you are reading this and on your own wellness, health/life overhaul, you give yourself more grace than i gave myself when i started. it can be a lonely, hard road, but it’s worth sharing these hard, uncomfortable things with the community i have built and continue to build with fellow runners and others who are just working on being the best version of ourselves. thank you for being here, for reading this, for being a part of my journey the last year, if it’s from liking my posts, encouraging me, sending me notes and tips on running, meal preparation, etc. it’s meant the world more than you will ever even know. thank you if you’ve made it this far. thoughtsfromthesea